A lot of the parents in our office are signing their kids up for kindergarten this month. But some have decided not to. Jenn, a Provider Specialist responsible for credentialing elder care service providers for our Senior Care Team. Jenn decided to "red shirt" her daughter – and this is why.

"But how does the sperm get to the egg?" my sweet little seven year old asked one recent Monday morning as I hurriedly applied my eye makeup.  "Well, Abby…" I began and carefully explained an extremely watered down version of the birds and the bees before shuffling her back to her bedroom to get ready for school. 

Abby has always been my inquisitive child. She is a smart, serious, and driven girl. She loves math, science, reading, and dreams of being a doctor and singer, as well as the next Gabby Douglas. She is also loving and kind and has a dimpled smile that will melt your heart.

A July baby, Abby was eligible for kindergarten in September 2010, soon after she turned five years old. And, we had every intention of sending her…until something just started to seem "not quite right." Really, it was more of a whisper that kept telling me over and over again that she just wasn’t ready. 

Abby was doing terrific in her second year of preschool. Academically, she was a star.  She followed directions, worked well with others, and was also quite independent. Socially and emotionally, however, a different picture emerged. At the playground with her friends, it seemed as though she didn’t always understand their type of play. Being the tiniest and youngest, her peers would constantly pick her up, as if she were a doll. When playing "house" she was always designated the role of the baby. Potty accidents were kept quiet from her teachers. And during class, her teachers were met with silence when asking her simple questions they were sure she knew the answer to.

I silently struggled with what I thought were typical issues of an introverted four year old and tried to brush them off as nervous chatter. But, when Abby’s teachers began gently questioning her readiness for kindergarten, I knew a decision needed to be made.

In my heart, I knew the right answer, but a slew of questions ran through my mind. How would I explain to Abby that her best friend, who is five days younger than her, is a grade ahead of her?  Would she be bored in kindergarten if she started a year later? What would she think when all of her preschool friends moved on to kindergarten? Would she be teased?

I remember her preschool teachers stressing three considerations which I found immensely helpful when making our decision:

1. They had never met a parent who regretted giving their child an extra year before starting kindergarten. However, they all knew parents who regretted NOT doing so.
2. Rather than being challenged both socially and academically in kindergarten, Abby would be able to focus more on her social and emotional needs her first year. 
3. If she’s socially lagging behind her peers at five years of age, think of how this will play out in middle school, high school and beyond.  

After much debate, many tears, and incredible advice from multiple sources, we decided on a third year of preschool. We have never looked back. A first grader now, Abby has excelled in more ways than one. Academically, she remains a star. She is confident as well as a role model. She leads her friends in play and exerts herself by sticking up for herself and others.  Older kids still like to pick her up, but she tells them to stop now.  

Once in a while, usually after hanging out with her BFF, Abby asks why Claudia is a grade ahead of her. For now, I tell her that different towns have different rules and leave it at that.  Someday, when she’s ready to know the real truth I plan to sit her down and say:

"Love Bug, you are one of the lucky few who got to have an extra year of preschool. Daddy and I feel that this year gave you a boost to become who you are today – a smart, strong, confident girl who will continue to chase your dreams of becoming the next Gabby Douglas or Adele. You might always be the tiniest in your class, my love, but your drive to succeed and your loveable spirit makes you shine brighter than fireworks on the 4^th of July. No, you’re not in the same grade as your best friend, but being one of the oldest in your class might just be the advantage you needed to make every one of your dreams come true."

Tell me, have you had to make this decision -- Or, are you in the process? What made you lean one way or the other?

Here’s a blog that I love from a woman I love even more. Kelly has been part of the Care.com team for almost as long as we’ve existed. As part of our Workplace Solutions team, Kelly helps place Care.com services with companies so employees can use us for free.

I’m sitting on an airplane. I have a three hour flight ahead of me where I’m supposed to do work and all I can think about are my kids. They were both up all night. My 5-year old daughter had a stomach bug and my 3-year old son had Croup. And I was running between them.

Why didn’t I wake my husband? I don’t know.

I got 3 hours of sleep. Most of which was in a toddler bed. And this morning I had to leave for a work trip. So as I kissed their sweet sleeping heads goodbye (why do sick kids always sleep during the day!?) and thanked my mom for being my back-up care, I felt that old beast of a shadow lurking over me again.

It was my Mom Guilt. I’d say she greets me at least once a day, often as I’m trying to be the best mom, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law and employee I can possibly be. And I hate her. She is my nemesis. "They need you" she whispers in my ear. "You’re their Mom," she says in the back of my mind as I get in the taxi and head to the airport.

This time my response was different. This time, I wasn’t taking it. I had to tell this lurking shadow to stop bullying me. This was my inner tirade:

"Back off, Guilt! Don’t tell me how to live my life. Don’t get in my head and make me feel inferior to the other moms in this world. My kids are doing great. My kids are loved and know they’re loved. They have parents and grandparents, friends, family, teachers and babysitters who take incredible care of them. They are thriving. They are sweet, fun, smart and happy. Yes, they’re happy, Guilt. So why do you invade my brain when I leave them on days like this, when meetings run late, when dinner is microwavable, when I have to leave my husband alone with bedtime just so I can get my hair cut, or when I accept favors from my family or SAHM friends  who ‘want to help’?

And why oh why don’t you invade my husband’s brain?

I’ve had ENOUGH of you, Mom Guilt. I’ve had enough."

And then I almost cried. (The poor cab driver!) Not only was I having a therapeutic moment, but I was also realizing that this guilt was me. And would always be me. It’s the inner perfectionist who got me to this place and will continue to strive for perfection, even though she knows it doesn’t exist. It’s the woman who idolizes June Cleaver, Martha Stewart and Sheryl Sandberg and will do whatever she can to be the next female role model for her children and yours.

And while I might try to tame this inner voice that makes me strive to do better next time even when I’m getting a promotion, apologizes to family when they don’t see watching the kids as "childcare" but as "quality time with the grandkids," and feels like a terrible friend and wife even though everyone else is busy too. I will probably always be the one who gets up for vomit and coughing fits. In a way it’s because I want to. It’s also my job -- I’m "Mom." These dark circles under my eyes and stains on my clothes are just the battle wounds from the best job in the world.

So, here’s what I realized on that plane trip: Mom Guilt is my fr-enemy for life. It’s a waste of energy to hate her, so I will follow the age-old advice and "keep my friends close and my fr-enemies closer." But I’ve got to watch my back ‘cause that chick has the power to take me down. If I let her.

Tell me, what would you say to your Mom Guilt if you had the chance?

I want you to meet Stephanie Breedlove, of Breedlove & Associates, now part of the Care.com family. Stephanie and her husband founded this household employment payroll & tax company out of a personal need (wanted to pay nanny taxes) and honestly, I have never met a more engaging tax professional! Here, she shares a real "nanny tax" story every family needs to hear.

During this time of the year, my team hears from many families who have put off key aspects of the household employment process. After being consumed with finding and vetting the ideal nanny, they begin paying her each payday – not realizing there’s more to be done.

We just handled a situation like this for a family in Minnesota. They hired a nanny to care for their two young children last January. Exhausted from a prolonged search and feeling the need to quickly re-focus on their careers, the family hastily got their nanny situated with the kids and went back to work.

The family paid the nanny an agreed-upon wage of $15 an hour for 38 hours per week ($570). They did not withhold any taxes from the nanny's pay or pay any employer taxes. Fast forward to just a few weeks ago, they sat down with their accountant and had to tell him they had paid $29,000 in wages to their nanny during the 2012 tax year.

As you might imagine, this meeting didn’t go very well. The family’s accountant informed them that they had failed to withhold and pay the proper household employment taxes. 

So he sent the family to my team at Breedlove & Associates and we were happy to establish tax IDs for the family, file the overdue quarterly employment tax returns, prepare and distribute a Form W-2 to the nanny, file Form W-2 Copy A with the Social Security Administration and prepare a Schedule H for the family to use with their joint tax return.  Sounds like a lot of work, but we do it all the time!

The point of this story is to alert families that there are some employer obligations.  And, while we can certainly help families play catch-up on their nanny taxes, it’s cheaper and easier to handle them properly at the time of hire.

I realize that nanny taxes are complicated.  As a new mother trying to pay my first household employee "on the books" more than two decades ago, my husband and I learned that the hard way. That’s why we founded our specialty tax agency – to eliminate the work and worry for busy families so they can spend more time with their loved ones.  We’ll be happy to assist your family too. Please take advantage of the free nanny tax resources at www.breedlove.com or give us a call. We’re here to help!

I’d like you to meet Katie. A mom of two preschoolers, Katie is in charge of our site’s articles and resources, and helps create some of our YouTube videos. She is also the Parenting spokesperson for Care.com. Here, she has an interesting take on how real dates versus fake dates.


There was a time when I didn’t believe in Date Night.  Or, I should say, I thought a "date" could be defined as ordering take out and watching a DVD in my PJs. Husband by my side. Kids asleep upstairs.

Sweet, yes. Romantic, hardly.

I don’t know what changed. Maybe it was moving to the suburbs (I needed to get out more!!). Maybe it was having a little bit more money in our budget (or pretending to). Or, maybe it was realizing that eating greasy food in my sweats on both Friday and Saturday nights was not attractive. Yeah, I think it was that one.

So we booked a sitter. And I actually got dressed up – for my husband, and not for work, which I realized was a nice change. Oh, la la. Va va va voom. You get the picture. It was fun.

One year later: Many date nights have been planned. We even have a few sitters on rotation, averaging 2-3 nights out a month. So, I’m in a work meeting the other day and these words actually came out of my mouth: "Date night has saved my marriage." Um, did I just say that? Okay, perhaps it was an exaggeration. My marriage didn’t need "saving." But perhaps my mood did. And I can tell that a date is worth it when I don’t mind shelling out the cash to pay the sitter at the end of the night. She was worth it. Why? I didn’t have to do the bedtime struggle that night. I didn’t have to negotiate vegetable eating or teeth brushing. Instead I laughed and I flirted with my husband.  Yup, she was worth every penny!

So imagine my surprise when I get contacted by Bruce Feiler, author of The Secrets to Happy Families, along with a copy of this new book, and the promotional material on the inside cover of the book says "Cancel date night." Whoa, what?!

So I email the author:

"Bruce, I’m loving the book so far.

[Side note: This was true. There are strategies to make mornings less chaotic; family dinner topics and game ideas; tips on how to fight fair with your spouse -- and an amazing chapter on starting an allowance with your kids that I plan to use when mine are a little older... (but I digress)]

"I’m a working mom of a 4-year old and 2-year old. I live for date night. Plus, I think it’s important that our kids see us devote time to each other [Side note: At least this is what I tell myself.] Why would you suggest canceling it?"

"Katie," he writes, "You should start your OWN blog:  A mom of a 2 and 4 year old who has time to read! There are a few pages on what amounts to cancel the tired-and-out-of-date date night model and replace it with a new-and-improved date night starting on page 158!"

Ahh… the Cliff’s Notes! This author gets better and better. So I promised him I would read the rest of the book but thanked him for the cheat sheet.

Anywho, the book totally backed up my theory that date night is awesome for couples. [A 2012 study from the National Marriage Project showed that couples who have weekly time to themselves are 3.5 more likely to be happy, including sexually happy (thank you page 159!).]

But what it also says is that couples need to mix up their dates a little. He suggests doing an activity like an art class, double dating with other couples, and even going out as a family (mine need to have good table manners, first). The point is to avoid a rut… even a date night rut.

Do you agree? "Like" if you agree that Date Night has helped your marriage or your happiness. And comment if you have other suggestions or feedback. You won’t hurt my mood. I have a date planned for Saturday!

While Jeff C. may be known as the office prankster, he’s also in charge of site analytics around here. But a more important project popped up this year – his daughter, Adelyn. Here, he talks about the stress about being a new dad on Valentine’s Day.

I became a Dad for the first time in November. My goodness, it’s hard! For the past three months I’ve learned how exciting, stressful, disruptive, and beautiful a new baby can be to a house – and to a marriage.  I’ve learned how it can unite us – and still make us feel like we haven’t talked in days.

So I come to you, Care.com readers, seeking advice. See, my wife of 4 years, is also my very best friend of 14 years. And we have always had a pact of never celebrating Valentine’s Day. She hates the holiday. Feels it’s too commercialized. In the past, we haven’t done anything. But this year, I feel we need something.  And I say this, because our dates have been few and far between since our precious and amazing daughter was born. Seriously, when babysitters/family come to help, we seek sleep instead of a nice outing. Or, we run necessary errands. Our last "date night" involved Target, Babies ‘R Us and onesies.

And my wife puts up with so much – mostly from me. While she was in labor, I passed out before the first push. I woke up in time for our daughter Adelyn’s delivery, but we all left the hospital with medical bracelets. I was also covered in poison ivy at our wedding. My wife still has to see me covered in Calamine lotion in all our wedding pictures!

I bring all of this up because I also know that maternity leave is hard. It’s our first baby, and my wife feels a little trapped inside during the coldest of these New England winter days. It’s hard to meet other moms, interact with friends, or get some rest. But I’m the one who gets a ton of compassion after one night, in a sleep-deprived state, I rocked a swaddled bundle of blankets to sleep for over an hour, thinking it was my child, of course! And I get to tell my co-workers that story and feel the new dad sympathy.

But she doesn’t see her co-workers. She doesn’t get a daily affirmation and a daily break. But she does get to see so much more of our daughter, and I know that’s a gift she truly cherishes.

So as I mentioned, we don’t typically celebrate Valentine’s Day, and I think it should be honored this year with a special tribute. Maybe I’ll skip the Thursday celebration which she hates, but get her a massage over the weekend. Tell me what you think: Please "Like" this post if you think that’s a good idea, but post a comment if you have a different suggestion.

I’ve known Rhoda for many years. We met in school back in the Philippines and reconnected when Rhoda was working in California. That’s when I asked her to come work at Care.com. Two years later, she works in our Operations team. This is a letter she has written to her daughter on her 11^th birthday about what it means to be a single mom. It’s beautiful and I applaud Rhoda for sharing it with us today.

Everdearest H.B.,

It is your 11^th birthday today. And I thought I’d write you a letter to explain why our family is different. But if nothing more, I thought I’d remind you just how wonderful you are – and how loved.

You probably wonder at how different your situation is from your friends.  We’ve moved three times. To Zambia. Then California. And now we’re in Boston. And it’s just the two of us. I know it was challenging for you to have to leave your friends, make new ones and then do it all over again. But you did, and you were strong. In fact, sometimes, you were braver than I was (but I never let on at the time!).

I know it’s tough. Particularly, on holidays and special occasions, like today.  You may wonder why they are usually low key. Why you can only invite four friends when others get to invite the whole class. Why I can’t take your friends to the movies or to a restaurant. See, I’m what is called a Single Parent. That means it’s just you and me. We have talked about this before. This does not mean we are less of a family as everyone else, but it does mean our family is different – and, like all the Understanding Our Differences workshops at your school, "different" is ok.  It certainly doesn’t mean you are any less loved. We just have to learn that sometimes, less means more. Remember how you and your close friends at school like to be called, "weird" because you have an understanding that it means, "weird but in a good way"?  Well, you can say our family is "weird" like that too. Weird in all the wonderful ways. 

How? Just think how fortunate we are to have Grandma helping us out. She not only looks after you but also teaches you about our culture and language (remember the Filipino words and phrases book she got you?). She teaches you how to be polite and keep yourself safe. She keeps you connected to your cousins, uncles and aunts and other family. And think about your awesome friends and our amazing neighbors who take care of and look out for you. Cherish being able to go to school, having a warm bed and food on the table. It is the simple things, which we sometimes don’t think about. These are the true gifts that mean so much. 

We have come quite a way, Kiddo. Remember how you beat all the boys in your group in fencing?  Or, how you sang a solo in "We Are the World" in front of your whole school?  Remember how after reciting a poem you wrote about New York, your teacher said, "Did you go to college and back?"  Sometimes I think our unique partnership gives you an independence and bravery other kids might not have.

Either way, you are blessed. And you are the biggest blessing in my life. I know your dream is to be the first girl to play on the New England Patriots. And I just I shake my head and worry about your safety as you run off and play football with your friends. You and me babe. We’re both a little "weird"—"but in a good way."

Have a wonderful birthday!

All my love,

Mommy

I’m so excited to have Leslie join Care.com. She is a Vice President of Marketing for our provider membership, which helps position our website as the best place for the wonderful nannies, babysitters and caregivers in the world to connect with families. She just started here – and had a care crisis – she needed a new nanny. Here’s what she learned from the experience.


Did you hear about the family who asked nannies a 65-question survey before even meeting candidates – all for a 2-day a week job?

I was recently in a similar frantic nanny-search boat. I had just started my new job here at Care.com and suddenly found myself without care for my 18-month old daughter, Ella. I hadn’t looked for a nanny since I was on maternity leave and quickly found that starting a new job, caring for my daughter and looking for a nanny was way too much for a mom to handle! I couldn’t think of the important questions to ask, let alone 65.

Okay, so where to even start. That was obvious. I had just started working here.

So, I posted a detailed job description on Care.com. I was very specific about what I needed in the hopes to get just a few, very qualified applicants.
I said things like:

• "Must have 5+ years of experience (with at least 2 different long-term positions)"
• "Must have a very flexible schedule" since I work full-time and travel a bit
• "Must have experience with all ages of children – from newborn to school age"
• "Must cook, do laundry and light housekeeping"

Do you know that I still had 95 applications?

Clearly, I live in an area (Manhattan) where there are a lot of nannies! But this was pretty overwhelming. The good news? I found someone terrific within 4 weeks. But I figured I could help other families find their ideal nanny – without having to ask a long list of questions. Here are the 9 things that helped me find my nanny – and I hope can help you find yours!

1. Clear Responses. In my Care.com inbox, I immediately wrote "No Thank You Notes" (a Care.com feature) to the candidates who weren’t well-spoken and deleted them from my inbox. I kept each applicant who had personality and clearly explained why she wanted to work for my family.
2. Quick Sales Pitch. When I called to touch base, I only set up interviews with the nannies who treated our phone chat like a job interview.
3. On-time Arrival. Is she on-time for our interview – or early? Late is not acceptable.
4. Family Nearby. It always makes me feel better when the nanny has a family of her own to go home to. However, I also needed to make sure if the nanny herself had young kids, someone could take care of them or stay with them if they got sick.
5. Interests. What does the nanny like to do in her free time? This is a question that helps me connect as a person. It can get us talking and start a conversation. Yes, we will have an employer-employee relationship. But this person will be in my home and with my child. I want her to be a teammate. So I want to know her interests. (Here are more nanny interview questions you can ask)
6. Emergencies. Has she had experience with an emergency before? And do I get the sense that she could be cool under pressure. I like to throw some "if this happened.. what would you do?” scenarios too.
7. Limited technology. Is she willing to be off her phone throughout the day – unless I want pictures of Ella updated to Karoo of course :)
   
8. Specifics. How would she handle my picky eater? What would she do when Ella threw a tantrum? Does my crazy schedule bother her?
9. Chemistry. The final check is the good ol "gut check" and the chemistry between us. Will I enjoy seeing this person show up each morning and bond with my child? If so, please join our family!

For each interview, I had my laptop and I took notes. And I’d check what they said against what their references (later) said to make sure it all lined up.

Finding a new nanny is really hard, but what I realized is, it should be. This is your child – or children, and you’re not just leaving them with anyone. But, if you really think about what is important to you in a care provider (and write everything down), it can be much less daunting! Good luck and I'd love to hear about your nanny search…let me know how it's going – and tell me the tips you have below!