A colleague at Care.com recently had an issue with her son’s friend getting bullied.
It started as a rhyme. The kids were rhyming their names and one boy didn’t like it. Two of the kids decided it would be funny to call him his "rhyme name" purely because it upset him. And it became a taunting chant.
The boy got upset. And more kids joined in, including my colleague's son. They chanted and teased him to tears.
The most shocking part: They were 3 years old.
This is how bullying begins. Now, we could take this example and say that kids will be kids and this is how they learn to stand up for themselves. That they need to learn to stand up for themselves.
But I feel we need to take this example and say that kindness needs to be taught as young as three. And anti-bullying campaigns need to be implemented as early as preschool. This is why we have partnered with Clear Channel Media and The Weinstein Company to promote the March 30th release of Bully, an incredibly powerful documentary of 5 families trying to transform how schools and communities respond to the deadly issue of bullying. For every person who watches the trailer on ClearChannel.com, Care.com will donate to FacingHistory.org, an educational resource that works in schools to "combat prejudice with compassion, indifference with participation, and myth and misinformation with knowledge."
Bullying has become a common word these days. It affects 13 million kids a year. As parents, we are aware: We know to look for the signs they’re being bullied, check in on their social media activity, ask them questions. But how can we prevent it?
We need to teach our kids to be good friends, stand up for those who are getting picked on, and no longer look the other way if someone is being mistreated or is suffering. Ask the shy kid to sit with you, tell a mean girl she’s a bully, befriend someone who looks like they could use a friend.
It’s this empowerment that we can start early, as early as preschool. It also needs to be a group effort. Get the nanny, grandparents, neighbors and parents on board to help spot – and stop – bullying.
With the launch of Bully and President Obama encouraging bullied children to speak up, all of this media attention is only a good thing. It creates more awareness, prevention strategies and conversation. It’s always a good idea to check in with ourselves – and ask: How are we are raising our children, protecting the bullied, and looping in our babysitters and nannies to help us fight this battle? Get more anti-bullying resources at care.com/bullying.
How are you teaching your child to be a good friend?
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I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't experienced this with my daughter. My daughter went to a coop preschool where the parents took turns working in the classroom. From the start, one little girl excluded her. This little girl (3-years-old) gossiped, said mean things, had an arsenal of nasty looks, and consistently told my daughter she wasn't welcome to play in "her" group. She turned other kids against my daughter. My daughter would frequently ask why this little girl didn't like her. It was heartbreaking to watch and have to deal with it. It made me angry. The little girl's mother seemed nice at first, but she never once corrected her daughter’s behavior that I saw. My daughter is eight now. She has learned how to stick up to bullies at her school in a way that makes me incredibly proud. Last year, she came home sobbing because a little boy in 1st grade was going through the same thing she went through in preschool. He was being bullied on recess. The next day, of her own accord, she walked up to the boy and asked him to be friends. Then, she stuck up for him until the bullying stopped and included him whenever she could. She has learned that some people are mean to you for no reason and that some people don't like you no matter what you've done. She has also learned what a real friend acts like and has become a good friend. All of this at eight, which I think is both sad and amazing.
Posted by: Melissa | March 27, 2012 at 09:33 AM
I work at a community mediation center, and we provide training from elementary aged on up about clear, productive, respectful communication. The best thing about mediation and other types of conflict resolution is that it works to not just shift the censuring behavior from bullied to bullier but helps the participants change the nature of their interaction to one of respect. The goal is to get the bullier to recognize the impact of their behavior, so there is a long lasting behavioral shift. It transforms relationships. The problem is - it costs money to do trainings (our agency is struggling to exist, as are many community mediation centers in the nation), schools want us to come out and do trainings, but they have no funds to pay for the training or to have a staff person act as a guide for the programs at the schools.
Another wonderful program is the active bystander project which trains people on how to speak up. These things can be done, but we shouldn't expect children (or adults for that matter) to just know how to do it. Society does not engage well in respectful public communication (look at any type of political statements or Jersey Shore), but we can change that, and there are people doing work to make that change!
Posted by: Victoria | March 27, 2012 at 09:53 AM
I just want to make a short comment. I do agree with the bullying getting out of hand however, the schools need to do more about this. For example my son was being bullyied he was called names and teased because he is small. The bully was also picking on his friends calling names ect. Then one day the bully threaten to come over to our house with 20 boys and beat up my son and his older brother. By this time my son has had enough. We had met with the school prinicapal and nothing was addressed son my son took care of the issue himself. My son walked up to the kid in school taped him on his cheeck and said I am not afraid of you what are you going to do? The boy pushed my son backwards which was a mistakes my son went at him at punched him twice in the face the boy droped to the ground and that was the end. My son has not been bullied since.
However, the police was called and my son was arrested the police filed charges against my son who is know on probation. I am not upset with my son in this case as I told the police the bully was beat up! Many people had thanked my son for doing this however, it should not have happened in school. The police said if this happened outside of school he would not have been in trouble.
This is wrong!
Posted by: Ron | March 27, 2012 at 11:45 AM
My daughter, who has been described by her teachers as socially advanced for her age, has had several occasions brought to my attention where she was manipulating social situations over the last year, negatively impacting her schoolmates, and we have worked hard on this issue with her. One girl in particular, that we adults have decided she feels "safe" enough to experiment with her social power, she has run very hot and cold with. Her mother and I are good friends, and our daughters have been friends since they were 6 months old. What I did was read "Little Girls Can Be Mean Too", for my own personal understanding of this issue on all sides and how to best help my daughter learn to control her behavior and use her power for good. How to be a GOOD FRIEND and not a MEAN GIRL. I spoke with her teachers and checked in often with them to make sure our work was being effective and the issues were being resolved. I was open to their suggestions and help. We read books at night that addressed bullying at her level and helped her see her role in the social mix. So much of it is normal in their development, but it is crucial that parents are involved and guide these girls (and boys) to make good choices and be good people. Girls are vastly different than boys, and become capable of inflicting deep pain in others, vs. boys physical ability to inflict pain. They are very complicated little animals and will all take turns in the various roles. I also talked a lot to the Mother of the girl who my daughter ran so hot and cold with, which broke her daughters heart (and mine!)- but also taught her to make other friends and not stand for bad treatment from friends. She deserves a good friend who is a good friend ALL the time. I made sure to not be defensive. Taking criticism about your child is tough. Realizing your child is not perfect, or not nice, or doing something wrong, is a hard pill to swallow. I never would have ever guessed it would have been MY daughter! Equip yourself with knowledge and books, and keep yourself open - setting a good example about being a peacemaker for your child to see first hand. I'm now reading "Queen Bees and Wannabes" which is about the next level, higher grades up, and it is... terrifying. But it gives so much wonderful straight forward advice that I feel like I will be able to help my daughter navigate these choppy waters much better than if I had NOT read them!
Posted by: Anne | March 27, 2012 at 09:18 PM
Kids need better communication and social skills by interacting with each other.
We have on one hand, a parenting book called Siblings Without Rivalry, where siblings are to learn to work things out without parents jumping in to save them...except in situations where they are physically hurting each other. The hardships in relationships are said to build life long communication skills with their peers. But I was concerned about self esteem of my little one being bullied, so I could never let them go too far.
On the other hand, we have parents who use electronic devices as babysitters instead of scheduling play dates with siblings/friends. These kids are suppose to grow up with poor verbal communication/social skills. I just read that the next generation of college grads entering the workforce has been swearing a lot more at work due to a lack of social skills and that managers frown upon swearing in the workplace even more than drinking in the workplace.
As parents, we do the best we can to teach our kids to love everyone, but I do know that there are parents out there who teaches their kids to stay away from certain kids. It only gets harder as they grow up and fall into groups related to what their parents are like or what their parents value most...worships intelligence/nerds, fear/bullies, worships self/popular, dislikes self/gothic, etc... Fear leads to anger.
Posted by: Julie | March 28, 2012 at 02:12 AM
So many antibullying programs focus on older kids. Even at my son's elementary school (grades 1-5), the antibullying programs start with the fourth graders rather than the first graders.
Bullying in younger kids can be much more serious than people will admit. When my son was 4, and in a full-day educational daycare program, he was first verbally bullied by both boys and girls (being called stupid and a baby because he didn't color very neatly), then physically bullied by boys (all 4 years old).
The boys would punch him, kick him, hit him with toys. At one point a couple of boys picked him up, threw him against a chain-link fence, and took turns holding and hitting him. I had several meetings with the teachers (who said, "Kids can be mean...") and with the director of the school, who then had meetings with the bullies' parents. Nothing improved. The final straw was when I picked up my son and he had a huge bump on the back of his head. He didn't remember how it happened, and he had other memory problems over the next 24 hours. None of the school's staff could tell me how my son got injured; they hadn't even noticed the injury.
When your child is this young, you are your child's best advocate. Don't expect the school, day care, or other caregiver to always have your child's best interest at heart. Stay involved, form a good relationship with your child, and stand up for your child's right to be treated with respect. My son, now 8, knows how to be a good friend, how to identify a good friend, and how to stand up for himself.
Posted by: Amy | April 02, 2012 at 03:59 PM
This happened to my child too. It is a very hard lesson to learn when it happens for the first time. I think it's important for parents to coach their preschoolers in how to be a friend. That's what playdates are supposed to be about. Parents should supervise the kids from a comfortable distance. They should also be offering plenty of age-appropriate planned activities. In order to avoid bullying, parents need to set the ground rules at the start. I also think it's important for parents to know when to go. Sometimes you need to include some down time, too. I agree, anti-bullying should include preschool curriculum too. That's where it starts. Throwing sand in the sandbox.
Posted by: Leni | October 29, 2012 at 09:20 PM