Last year, Talking Eyes Media—a multi-media company led by a husband and wife team, Ed Kashi and Julie Winokur—released a documentary called The Sandwich Generation. Julie is a filmmaker and Edi is a photo journalist. Together, they documented their life caring for Julie’s father, Herbie. The film showcases the huge pressures families in the Sandwich Generation face as Ed and Julie moved across the country with their two children in order to care for Herbie through his struggle with dementia.
Nearly 20 million Americans are caught in the Sandwich Generation and have caregiving responsibility for both seniors and children. We found through the State of Care Index found that 18 percent of all families surveyed considered themselves part of the Sandwich Generation and, on average, families with the financial burden of caregiving spent over $16,000 on child care and senior care related bills. That’s a stressful situation to be in.
For anyone who’s been a caregiver to an aging parent or relative, this film is a must-see. We talked with Julie recently and found out more about their story.
How did you find caregivers?
We found caregivers for my father through word-of-mouth… When you’re looking for caregiving resources, you don’t necessarily know where to begin. We had full-time caregivers, both night-time and day-time.
How did you prepare for having to provide care for your father?
We were totally unprepared… We kind of thought we knew what we were getting into, but in reality we had no clue because the level of needs were so great. Unfortunately, we were very caught out. When my father fell during the night and we ended up with him in the hospital, we began working in “crisis mode.” And “crisis mode” is the worst way to look for caregivers because you need someone to help immediately as opposed to having time to figure out who’s the best person to fill that job.
In that crisis mode, we used an agency. An agency has very strict limitations on hours per shift and we had a revolving door of caregivers. In the course of one week, we ended up with five or six different people… We were frantically looking for people we could hire directly.
Is it a common experience to go into these situations pretty unprepared?
Yes. It’s a lot of denial. No one wants to have to be taken care of. Typically, the children of the people who need care are the ones who hire caregivers, but you can’t force that on people. So you wait until it’s absolutely unavoidable. You wait until the turning point, when you’re frantically in need of help. It’s usually precipitated by a fall, a surgery, or some kind of traumatic event.
Even though the writing is on the wall and you know your father needs somebody, you have to wait until your father says, “I’m ready” or is unfortunately incapacitated.
Was there any pushback from your father?
Not at the point we brought help in. We tried to prepare. That’s why we moved east. It was clear he needed help. We said, “Why don’t you sell your home and we’ll buy a house together. We’ll set it up in a way that makes you happy. You can have an in-law apartment.” But he wasn’t ready…
Eventually it got to the point where I had him stay with us and I said, “It would be irresponsible of me to let you go home. You’re staying with us now.”
How did taking in your father affect your daughter?
It was very emotional for her. She was very sensitive to both my father’s decline as well as the toll it took on us.
In part two [of The Sandwich Generation], you’ll hear her a year later, and there’s this fabulous moment from her where she says, “Do I have to tell the truth this time?”
And I said, “Well, yeah. What wasn’t true last time?”
She said, “Well last time, I said it was kind of cool having Papi lived with us. But since he moved in, everything’s changed.”
It’s heartbreaking, but she’s far more tuned in to the bigger impact of it all.
Did you feel like you were caught between caring for your children and caring for your father?
Yes, absolutely. You have to make daily choices about who takes precedence.
But I also felt like it was healthy for our kids to see that my father often took precedence, because I think modern parenting can give kids the notion that every need they have is more important than what anybody else in the world needs. They don’t have their sense of place in society within a family structure… So while it was hard for us overall, it was good for them, too.
Why film The Sandwich Generation?
I hope The Sandwich Generation sheds the light on how important it is to support family-based caregiving. It’s hard. So many people who would like to give care to their parents can’t afford not to work, or they can’t afford the caregivers. On the policy front, a lot needs to be done to support the role of family caregivers.
You can watch the full documentary, The Sandwich Generation, online.
Part 1 – The Sandwich Generation on MediaStorm
Part 2 – The Sandwich Generation on AARP.org
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