The other day, I was grocery shopping and heard a baby crying
in the next aisle. I could tell the other Mom was having a hard time, and could sympathize. As I walked towards her, I gave her a reassuring smile but didn't say anything else.
It reminded me of the time Ryan, my older son, was an infant and teething. He was having a tantrum at the grocery store, and I couldn’t get him to stop crying. An older woman approached me and said, rudely, “Why don’t you purchase a pacifier?” That experience stuck with me all these years, and even though I can laugh about it now with my husband, Ron, it's still amazing to me how often strangers think they're being helpful, but in fact, make the situation worse.
Have you ever had another adult feel compelled to criticize your parenting (or pet owning) style? What did you do about it?
Share your story with the Care.com community by posting a comment!
PS ~ I hope that you, your families, and your caregivers have a safe, happy, and memorable Labor Day weekend. See you next week with tips for Back to School!
Once when my oldest daughter was just an infant I was grocery shopping and she was being fussy so I picked her up from her carrier and was comforting her so I could finish my shopping. I had some older lady approach me and say very rudely that a baby as young as she was should be in there carrier and covered up that it was to cold to have her uncovered in a store. I just smiled and said that I know that and went about my business. It really upset me though because people do that all the time without really knowing everything that is going on in the situation.
Posted by: Cheryl W. | September 02, 2008 at 08:18 AM
Well I would not take kindly to someone telling me how to parent or discipline my pet. I believe I would say, could you mind your own business, lol. Now on the other hand , i have seen people beating their kids in the store and i have said something. It was to excess and more than abusive. Other than that if someone said something, it would hurt and they should out themself's in your shoes, johnnie
Posted by: johnnie marlow | September 02, 2008 at 08:23 AM
WOW if i could only list all the rude comments by strangers. I am a young mother and look even younger than i am so it doesnt help when it comes to other moms and grandmothers EVEN fathers thinkin they can throw there little comments at me or dirty looks for trying to discipline my son. I would say the worst time was in Wal-mart. My Son was almost one at the time i think b/c he had not been walking yet, anyway It was my sister ( who is 24) my son and my self who was 21 at the time. we were shopping in the fabric section. He was teething and grumpy and DID NOT want to sit in the cart. so i was holding him but then wanted to look at something on the shelf.So i stood him up next to my leg to hold on. He was fine standing there but then sat down and im telling you not even a split second after he sat down i hear a voice from behind me (might as well have been yelling) saying " Are you kidding me? WHAT KIND OF MOTHER LETS THEIR CHILD CRAWL ON THIS FLOOR?!?! it is so dirty. That is Horrible! YOU NEED TO PICK HIM UP!" I was shocked to turn and find out it was a walmart employee. I was completely embarrassed b/c everyone that was in the fabric section was looking at me to see what i would say. I didnt know what to do and i knew that at any second i was going to burst into tears so the only thing that came out was " thanks im his mother not you" and then i walked away but before i even got out of the fabric section tears were streaming down my face as everyone watched me storm away with my son. MY sister followed and asked if i was ok and i was like NO im not I can believe she could be so rude. when we got to the cash register my sister had still been talking about it and saying that i should tell a manager or something and the cashier noticed i had been crying and was still teary eyed and she said " im a manager is there something i can help with?" So we told her what had happened, she couldn believe and she paged someone to take her place so that she could go speak with the employee that was so Rude to me. It amazes me how often people throw comments at me but that was by far the RUDEST!
Posted by: Stacie Richardson | September 02, 2008 at 08:41 AM
My husband has a pat reply: "You seem to be under the mistaken impression that your opinion matters to me."
Posted by: drrivkah | September 02, 2008 at 09:13 AM
I guess I come off as a lil intimidating to ppl because they dare not to confront me about my children and how I manage their behavior. I can say they will give a look, but I also give back a look to let them know that their snobby comments are best kept to themselves. My parents think I am a lil too hard on my girls, but when you notce that they fall out at home b/c they dont get their ways or pinch you b/c they're mad, you know they will do it in public if you let it continue. My way of parenting is to love, but nip bad habits in the bud.
Posted by: Miss Natasha | September 02, 2008 at 09:15 AM
I was a teen mom, and when my daughter was only 6-7 weeks old my in-laws insisted I go with the family to the local mall for a special display they all wanted to see and then go to lunch. It was our first outing, I packed the diaper bag carefully, change of clothes make that two, diapers, blankets, wash clothes, bib...(she was a nursing baby so that was always with us) All was going well till she got hungry. This is back in 1983 so there were no changing tables, and benches in rest rooms. She began to fuss, I looked around franticly for a place to "hide" to feed her, there was no were. All of the sudden this little old lady approached she looked like my grandma so I was thinking she might have an idea to help, but to my horror when she opened her mouth my stomach sank. She looked at me and said “maybe you should think about giving that child to someone who would known what to do.” Tears welled in my eyes, as out of nowhere my mother in-law appeared saying, “Fortunately she is with someone who knows what they are doing and not with an old bitty like you.” The old lady puckered up and stomped off. I let the tears go and my mother in-law hugged me and reassured me that I was a good mom, and then helped me “hide” so I could nurse my baby at the mall. To this day I help out the moms in need if I can with a smile and the protective momma bear in place watching their backs.
Posted by: Toni Edenholm | September 02, 2008 at 09:57 AM
I believe people who say those things either don't have kids or all or they have older children. I always try to help other mothers when I see they need help or they are frustrated. I never give advice but i just try to ease the tension with the child, like hand them a toy or candy. It always seems to work. People shouldn't be so judging!
Posted by: patricia Ayala | September 02, 2008 at 10:05 AM
I have a small dog who really terrorizes my cats so in order for the cats to get away from the dog they go up on our counters and on the table/etc, which is fine with me. I know that it isn't the most sanitary thing to allow them to walk around where we cook and eat but I try to keep everything clean despite that fact. One night I had some extended family over & one of them went on and on about how gross it was that I let the cats go up onto the counters b/c they are stepping in their litter box then walking all over the place.. I just thought the comment was really rude & annoying! It was none of their business!!
Posted by: BradyMom | September 02, 2008 at 10:09 AM
Thanks for this article I keep waiting for some do-gooder to complain because I will spank my toddler if she repeatedly disobeys and other techniques (redirection, loss of privelege, etc) fail. And no we're not talking about "beating" her, we're talking 3-5 firm open-handed smacks to her bare bottom. It hurts her feelings more than her skin. You'll probably read about some father getting tazed by the cops for spanking his child in public. That will be me. So to those sophisticated libs against spanking: "thanks so much for your opinion"
Posted by: Dan Lewis | September 02, 2008 at 10:10 AM
I am a young mom of twins so people already look at me like I am crazy. However one day in the mall one man crossed that line of just looks. My girls, 20 months at the time, were in their stroller seeing who could yell louder. A man came up to me put his hand on my stroller to stop me from walking and told me, “ Make them kids shut the “F bomb” up.” It made me so mad because they were not hurting anyone.
Posted by: Christina | September 02, 2008 at 11:10 AM
Well all I can say after reading these articles is that I am happy I am not the only one who gets rude comments from strangers. I am not really a young mom, but I look a lot younger than I am which I guess makes people feel they can give me advice on how I raise my son. The worst was one time when my son was about 5-6 months old and he was teething. We had taken a trip to the mall to just run in a get a few things and leave. Well all was going well at first, I was holding my son and he was just lying on my shoulder. Well, when we got to the chechout he started crying. I hurried up and finished paying so we could leave. As we were walking through the store towards the exit, my son was really crying now. Some old lady came up to me and said that apparently my son was not happy with me and then told me I should give him to her so she could take him home and raise him. She said she had already raised her kids and that none of them had ever carried on like that, because she knew what she was doing! I was so mad I couldn't even speak at first!! After a minute I just told her no and left the store as quickly as I could, the lady actually followed me to the exit to see if I would change my mind!! I got in the car as fast as I could and went home. I called my mom and told her and she said I should have reported her to someone!
Posted by: CYNTHIA | September 02, 2008 at 12:37 PM
I do not see anything wrong with another adult criticizing or making suggestion to another parent or outright rebuking a child in harms way.
I say this because I believe that it really does take a village or a city to raise a child.
I have seen situations where a child is walking on the street with the mom and a car is coming and the mom walks on without holding on to her child and a car almost ran the child over. I have seen a child at a grocery store pulling the tags or removing items from a package and breaking it apart and the parent was nonchallant about it.
I have seen a child climbing a high wall next to the road side, and the child was under 5 or thereabout, and a fall from that height could cause severe harm to the child, in addition to damage to the wall. In such a situation, I parked my car, called on the child to come down, and threatnened to get the cops there if he did it again. At that point, I saw a parent of the child coming out of a store nearby looking like nothing mattered.
When you witness such situations as a parent and smile or say nothing,I believe you are encouraging something that we all have to be concerned about.
This is why I will not feel offended if a parent or an adult tries to tell me what I could have done or brought my attention to my child that is destroying merchandise at a store, or my child leaning on a frail wall that could lead to a fatal fall. This is also why I will feel happy if another adult or parent were to rebuke my child outside my home if my child behaved in a manner that is unbecoming of a responsible child raised from a responsible home.
Vera Elue
Posted by: vera elue | September 02, 2008 at 12:47 PM
I am a single mom of a little boy. When he was 1 1/2 I took him to Disneyland with my siblings and their significant others. We are from the coast so go figure it was very hot for us. Every afternoon around naptime, my son screamed his head off which led me to take him back to our hotel. One day of our trip, everyone in my group was stopping to eat and enjoy some AC. My son went wild! My brother even took the liberty to try to help me to no avail. Frustrated and ready to cry myself, as I am trying to comfort my son and find out what he wanted, some older lady remarked in a nasty tone "that means he's not getting something he needs". I was infuriated! I know my son better than any stranger would. He was tired and probably overstimulated but having some strangers' snide little comments DOES NOT make the situation any better, and I know I am fine enough of a parent. I wanted to tell her off! Not every child is the same and kids do throw tantrums until they understand to control emotions which is definitely a process! I agree a smile can help and would all the passerbyers stop gawking?! (Like having a tantrum is illegal...)
Posted by: Terra | September 02, 2008 at 04:21 PM
I have rescued a wolf and adopted a wolf/hybrid. The first thing that comes out of people's mouths is: "Aren't they vicious?" If they were vicious I wouldn't have them around my kids! Or "Aren't you afraid that they will bite your kids?" First off, any animal that has teeth will bite if provoked, i.e. frightened, scared, etc. I was a vet tech, have studied animal behavior....I'm good, thanks. Nothing is guaranteed and always supervise. My now 6yr old teethed on my wolf and has often ridden him like a horse. He sleeps in the hallway where the bedrooms are and is very protective of them and me. The hybrid is only 5 months old and is still being trained. (Yes I did train the wolf as well and by the way he is 130lbs!) I would never put my kids lives in danger but people should use some common sense when making comments about animals and giving advice to other parents. All animals need good training and all parents need to train their kids especially when it comes to animal safety. Any child can come to my home and play with our pets. Actually, I have brought the wolf and hybrid to schools and stores (pet stores) for show and tell and educational talks. I do not recommend owning hybrids. You need lots of skill and knowledge in handling them. My 3 children are growing up with these loving,devoted and protective animals. We wouldn't trade them for the world!
Posted by: iris rickett | September 02, 2008 at 05:57 PM
I am a single mom. I shared a house with another friend who does not have any children or any young kids around her. My son was 2 at the time, and like any other 2 year olds he told me no about something well i sat him down and talked to him about it. My roommate and friend at the time. Told me that she see's the big picture and that him telling me no was not a phase and that i need to disaplin him better. And that i should take her advised becasue she is my roommate and she can see what i dont. I was angry and two weeks later i moved out and into my own place. granted it was small but i could raise my son any way i wanted.
Posted by: ames75 | September 02, 2008 at 07:26 PM
I was walking my dog at an open air market. We sat down to rest for a minute and a stranger came up to me and said that he could tell my dog was very thirsty, and that I should be more careful in bringing my dog to a place like this without water. (I guess he couldn't see my dog's water bottle hanging from my belt.) So I told him, " I don't think she is, we just had a couple beers in the car before we came in here."
Posted by: Steven | September 04, 2008 at 12:42 PM
I dont give a damn with people minding other's business.... as long as i know that i am doing the right thing in raising my kids then that's okay... only you knows what is best for your kids.... i've been a single mom since my 2 daughters were in their elementary,raising them all by myself... giving them moral,emotional,physical, spiritual and financial support... now both my daughters are professionals... my eldest is a licensed Pharmacist and my youngest daughter is now a Nurse... I am a proud mom...
Posted by: Evelyn | September 04, 2008 at 02:11 PM
Even though I am male, I still get a lot of nosy people giving me their unwarranted comments. I will cite two examples. I am a firm believer of having high standards of my children for I believe firmly that they will rise or drop to the level of standards we have of them. I also am quick at reprimanding my children if they misbehave. The other day the piano player from my church approach me and say "you are so rude to your children reprimanding them the way you do. I just feel like crying when I see how you reprimand them." In the first place, this a guy with no children of his own and in the second place, I was not spanking them. I seldom have had to go that far. I felt at that time like telling him, "When you finish raising your own children, then you may give me advice, not before then." It was out of respect for the place (I was at church) that I stood quiet.
The other time involved my father in law who abruptly commented on how misbehaved my children were behaving. Mind you, this is from a man who up to today refuses to discipline his own children. I quickly asked him, how many children has he disciplined and straightened up and continued saying, "Remember that I have been a teacher for X many years. Through my hands I have disciplined no less than 2,000 children. My own and other people's children as well. When I finally see you act as a father, I'll take your point of view."
Another was at a bank. I drove my wife, who was babysitting the neighbor's child, to the bank. My son and the other boy had never been to a bank before so the novelty, multiplied by the behavior typical of the age, made them to act up. Sitting accross from me in the lobby was this elderly lady giving me dirty looks. I immediately told her, "With all due respect Ma'am, based on the rude stare you are giving me you must have not raised any children."
To the mothers who have posted their experiences here, My heart goes out to you all. Keep it up. Remember, you are the parents and nobody has any rights over your children than yourselves. Keep it up and be strong for your children. Ultimately, it is the parents who have the courage to teach and discipline their kids who are the real hope for the world. All these softy antidisciplinarians who give their unwarranted opinion don't have training or experience to warrant what they say. Don't give anybody power over your children.
I liked what drrivka wrote her husband's response is. I hope she won't mind if I start using that.
Posted by: Victor Tellez | September 04, 2008 at 09:47 PM
I have twin boys and when they were infants I would take them to the grocery store/Target/Walmart by putting one in their carrier in the cart and the other I would carry in a baby Born attachment. Well in those days, (they are now 4) it was difficult to get out of the house and remember everything.
We were grocery shopping and I had a ton of stuff including steaks, beer, and wine for a dinner party that night. As the cashier rang me out, I realized that I left my wallet at home. I told her what I had done and she was very kind. She said she would have a manager put my cart in the fridge and I could comeback whenever in the day to pick up and pay. There was an elderly lady behind me who obviously didn't understand the situation and said, "If you don't have enough money you should not be buying steaks and liquor. And with children ... someone should call social services on you."
I was shocked but my day was bad enough already. I just laughed and said, "Well, go ahead and give them a call. I forgot my wallet, not one of my kids."
Also, when the boys were around 2, we started going to the zoo in our city weekly. They wanted to walk and we only went for an hour or two, not to mention that a stroller with two 2 year olds is not much fun for me. Great exercise for them too. Because some of the buildings were often packed, I started to use the "kid leashes." A woman with what appeared to be a very overweight five year old (eating an ice cream cone) said, "I can't believe some people. You are treating you kids like dogs." Now seriously, it is for their safety and they are still able to walk on their own. So once again, I just laughed and said, "Right, it looks like you have it all figured out."
So to all of you moms and dads out there...let it roll. People are rude and sometimes feel so bad about themselves they feel the need to belittle others. We should just feel sorry for these poor people. We are all doing the best we can!!!
Posted by: shannon | September 09, 2008 at 10:31 AM
I'm not a young mom but I do look younger than I am, also i am of mixed race an somewhat dark ( Native American and African American). I have four children who are much lighter in complexion to me and I get comments like, "Are you baby sitting?" to comments like, "You shouldn't tell those kids what to do since you're not their mother."
By far the worst one was when my oldest daughter was born. She was in the hospital for surgery and i stepped out of the room to get something to eat. When I returned I found that she had woken up and was crying so I picked her up to comfort her when this nurse walked in and said quite rudely, "Excuse me but we don't allow strangers to hold the babies, you need to put her down." I was very polite and turned around and explained that I was the mom, but she didn't believe me..She paged both the doctor and security...needless to say, I was both hurt and embarassed...You don't have to look alike to be a family!!!
Posted by: Felicia | September 11, 2008 at 02:43 PM
I understand someone making HELPFUL comments, but not unsolicited advice if you don't agree with an everyday activity.
I was shopping with one of my children (she must have been 2 years old at the time) at a grocery store and her and I were singing with the music. Of course it was not the right words and out of tune, but we were having fun. Someone from the next aisle over yelled, "Can't you be quiet? This is a grocery store!"
I said loudly, "If you want quiet, go to the library or stay home."
My child and I don't need to hear these strangers expressing their dumb opinions. I was talking with a friend about this subject yesterday. She has had trouble with rude people, too. Her comeback is pretty simple:
"Is this your child?"
When they say no.
"Then but out of my business."
Posted by: JoAnn | September 19, 2008 at 04:17 PM
I love the comment about, "You seem to be mistaken that your opinion matters to me" - it is the absolute best! I am going to remember that one! What is with these old ladies coming up to a stranger and offering asinine comments?
Like give her the baby? I hope she does not drive anymore. Sounds like they're slipping in the brain area.
Posted by: Linda Zerr | February 12, 2009 at 01:20 AM
OMG! So I was about 5 or 6 and I was throwing a fit 'cause we were at the library and I don't know what it was really about. Probably getting in trouble for running in it or yelling, but my mother pulled me outside and spanked me (believe me it was necessary even though I vow to never spank a child) This OLD man looked at us and I think he was writing our license plate down or something.. then he said, "You ever spank that child again I'll have her taken away from you and you'll NEVER see her again!!!!" I will never forget that it scared me SO bad! I think it effected me more than my mother...
Posted by: Sammi | March 01, 2009 at 04:22 AM
(A friend of my cousin asked my girlfriend & I at a party)
I hosted a party at my house, just a few friends. My little boy and another little boy were playing nicely together, they were a little loud running around, but nothing out of the norm. I was asked "if they were always like this?" I asked, "Like what?" And she said, "Loud and obnoxious." My answer was yes, they always act like 3 and 4-year-old little boys, as 10 adult men screamed at our TV while watching a football game. I said I think they are more reserved than the 30 year olds watching a sporting event they aren't even participating in. Of course this person doesn't have children but the boys were actually being really good and letting the adults do their thing, yelling and screaming. She then said I better only have girls then or I will be so disappointed. Yuk! What an answer. I wondered in return if she always acted like that in the presence of children?
Posted by: Erin | March 10, 2009 at 05:56 PM
I was on the subway with my two boys (who are two years apart in age). My youngest is a special needs child who attends special ed and sometimes cries for long periods. Sometimes, he just has to stop crying on his own, trying to get him to stop sometimes makes it worse. So my oldest who was 7 at the time took a book away from my 5 year old. Of course the 5 year old started to cry and even though I gave the book back to him, he continued to cry for about 20 minutes. Because we were in the subway, I did try to get him to stop but realized I was making it worse so I stopped trying and just let him cry it out. It wasn't extremely loud but it was irritating. I knew there was nothing I could do at that moment. I had been through this hundreds of times before. Many people gave me dirty looks and made comments but I knew why he was crying. As one man got to the door to get off the train he said "you need to shut that kid up". I said "oh really well he's 5 so I know exactly why he's behaving the way he is but can you explain your behavior right now as a 30 year old". He didn't respond. After he got off I said outloud "some people need to learn to mind their own business". No one dared say anything to me after that. My mother thinks I should have explained that my son has a disorder. I told her I'm sorry but adults should realize that children sometimes cry and not all kids are equal, I owe them nothing. I've been on many rides where kids cry and I just smile, I know how it feels to be stressed as a mom. Go take a taxi if you don't like hearing kids on the subway.
Posted by: Helen | March 30, 2009 at 01:46 PM