When I picked my little guy up from camp the other day, he was drenched from swimming. I suddenly got emotional, having a flashback to when he was 18 months old.
I was with neighbors and friends having some wine by the pool, and turned my head for a split second. I heard other kids playing in the background, and then heard a splash. I looked and couldn't see my baby. He was on the other side of the pool and struggling, so I quickly jumped in, fully dressed. I was shaking with fear after we surfaced. I'm not sure I would ever mix drinking with watching kids again, even though there are plenty of other occasions where parents get distracted.
Over the past two years, this "trend" has spawned mixed reviews in the blogosphere, national newspapers like The New York Times, even The Today Show. What do you think about mixing playgroup with cocktail hour? Or about
balancing your responsibilities as a mom with maintaining your pre-kid, grown-up
life?
Post your comments below, and read on for my interview Q&A with Christie Mellor, author of The Three Martini Playdate
and The Three Martini Family Vacation guides to modern parenting.
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Sheila: What inspired you to write your books, The Three Martini Playdate and The Three Martini Family Vacation?
Christie: I wrote my book in hopes of getting parents to start reclaiming their lives. I felt surrounded by parents, and friends who were parents, who were just handing their lives over to their children. The hyper-attentiveness, the parents who enroll their kids in a million enrichment classes and supervise their children's every waking moment—it doesn't seem to be doing the children any good, and certainly the parents seem to be exhausted.
Sheila: You talk about the need for a reversal to the 1950s and 60s style of parenting, before the kids were coddled and treated as the center of the universe. Tell us more about your thoughts on this need for a rebellion against "parental correctness."
Christie: It used to be that people had kids, and their kids became a part of the family, not the center of the family. The grown-ups got to be grown-ups, and there was a mystery and something vaguely exciting about the idea of being a grown-up. Now I see parents including their children in every aspect of their lives. I don't by any means want to imply that the '50s and '60s model of parenting was a perfect one, at all! But I do think that parents didn't micro-manage their children as much. Kids were allowed to make their own mistakes, they had less scheduled time. They were allowed to be mind-numbingly bored. I think this ends up fostering more creativity. And certainly self-sufficiency.
Sheila: In your first book, you (jokingly) talk about the "Our Little Tots First Martini," that kids ages five and up should be able to mix a cocktail for their parents and their friends—something very 1960s, and recently featured on AMC's hit show "Mad Men." Do you think Gen X-ers, like the media, are going to "retro parenting"?
Christie: I love Mad Men! And I totally cracked up when I saw that episode. But no, my kids don't mix my cocktails. I haven't heard of younger parents starting some kind of retro-parenting frenzy, but I have heard from lots of parents who like my book because they find the idea of having balance in their lives appealing. I don't think it's so much "retro" as the pendulum swinging back to a more balanced and reasonable place.
Sheila: The title of your first book references a popular, yet controversial, parental pastime of combining that word you hate, a "playdate," with happy hour. Do you often get together with other parents, kids in tow, for cocktails?
Christie: First of all, I think parents are missing the point if they think I am encouraging some kind of alcoholic free-for all. It's not about literally adding alcohol to the mix, I mean, if you're still driving your overly-scheduled children to classes and playdates every minute of the day—if you haven't changed your general attitude, then you just end up being a really busy drunk. I was quoted in the NY Times saying much the same thing, and I think it was possibly misunderstood. But it's not just about drinking and cutting loose, it's about giving your children the tools to be self-sufficient, so that you can actually be a grown-up and have grown-up time. I see nothing wrong with having a cocktail with your spouse or a group of grown ups. Why do parents have to schedule "dates" so that they can get some adult time together? A "Three-Martini Playdate" is more about a state of mind than literally about downing three martinis.
Sheila: Why do you think it's so important for parents (esp. moms) to take "me time," even if it involves a glass of wine or a beer while the kids are playing?
Christie: We all need balance in our lives. It doesn't have to be about drinking, but sharing a glass of wine with friends is celebratory and social. If you are affected adversely, or have a problem with alcohol, then obviously, have a nice glass of iced tea. If the idea of drinking alcohol around children makes you uncomfortable, then don't have any! Again, it's not about literally imbibing vast quantities of alcohol so you can unwind. I just think more parents need to find hobbies that don’t include their children. And perhaps some time alone, or with fellow adults.
Sheila: What do you think about safety concerns, and have you ever had to handle an emergency during a martini mom meet-up?
Christie: Honestly, I don't have "martini mom meet-ups." It sounds too much like some kind of club. I'm not a clubby person. However, we do entertain a pretty fair amount, and we liked to have parties even when the kids were very little. The "early bedtime" chapter in my first book wasn't far from the truth—plus, as a writer, free evenings were invaluable when the kids were young. They had to get to bed at a reasonable hour, so I could work. But no, I've never had to handle an emergency with the kids after having a few drinks. And my husband isn't much of a drinker, so I suppose if I really go crazy some evening and start swinging from the chandelier with a bottle of gin, he'll be capable of driving to the emergency room, should that be necessary.
Sheila: Can you talk about the big difference between, and controversy over, "mothering under the influence" and having a single drink with other parents?
Christie: Well, seriously, we're not talking about swilling nine cocktails and leaving the baby in the bathtub. Has drinking become such a black and white thing?
Sheila: What are your thoughts on the passionate divide in the media between people who are die-hard "martini moms" and those who think you're a bad parent if you drink in front of or around your kids?
Christie: I think the "passionate divide" is possibly made up, sort of like the "Mommy Wars" thing. I think the whole argument is a little bit of a straw-man—I know there are parents out there who are shocked by the idea of drinking a glass of wine in front of a child, but they don't come over to my house. I have friends who don't drink, or don't choose to have a cocktail if they're driving their kids home. Know yourself and your limits, I guess.
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Christie Mellor is the author of The
Three Martini Playdate
and The
Three Martini Family Vacation, and is also a
regular contributor on the popular parenting website, Mommy Track'd, with a
column based on her books, called The Three Martini
Complaint Department.
The other day, I was grocery shopping and heard a baby crying
in the next aisle. I could tell the other Mom was having a hard time, and could sympathize. As I walked towards her, I gave her a reassuring smile but didn't say anything else.
