Managing Care Relationships: Resolving Conflicts with your Caregiver

After receiving feedback from our members asking about having difficult conversations with their caregivers and service providers, I really wanted to do a series for my newsletter and blog on the business of managing our care relationships. Starting this week, I've invited three of my Care.com team members to make "guest appearances" and give advice from their respective areas of expertise.

Below is a fantastic post written Josh Morton, Member Services Manager at Care.com, on handling strong emotions and resolving conflicts—even before they arise.

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Conflict Resolution: Handling powerful emotions
By Josh Morton

Last month, a few members of the Care.com team took Sheila up on an offer to join her at a workshop entitled "How to Handle Emotions in the Workplace."  The workshop, hosted by the Harvard Business School Women’s Association of Boston, was led by Sharon Grady, a consultant working with executives on best practices for conflict management. 

The question of the evening was, essentially, "How do we handle a colleague who is in the midst of a very emotional moment?"

Here are three great ideas the group generated, with Ms. Grady’s help, to more effectively and productively work with other people (and in many ways, oneself) in the middle of a powerful emotion:

1. Learn to recognize the "lizard brain."
   Lizards have very large amygdalas, the part of the brain that is largely responsible for gut-emotional reactions. Before you respond, you should start by recognizing a "lizard brain" response for what it is. (Ms. Grady explained that this "lizard brain" mode often peaks after 20 minutes—a good reason to take a "breather" first.)
2. Acknowledge your emotion, and leave it at that.
   Whether you agree or disagree with the other person's emotions, it’s crucial that you make it known that you are actively listening. However, we should be careful to not to fall into an emotional response ourselves, go one step further by either over-empathizing with or challenging the other party. Our goal here is not to express our own emotions, but effectively manage the situation.
3. Put the brakes on problem solving.
   Jumping into problem solving can be very tempting–especially when we really think we know the ideal solution, and honestly want to help. The reality, however, is that it’s likely falling on deaf ears while somebody is in “lizard brain” mode. Best to put problem solving on hold until their rational brain is back in action.

And from my experiences as both a customer service representative and a manager at various companies, I've had the opportunity to practice handling others' emotions on a daily basis—not just with colleagues, but also with customers who feel powerful emotions ranging from elation and joy to frustration and anger. 

Whether you're dealing with a colleague, a client, a customer, or an employee, here are three tips that work for me time and time again when handling powerful emotions – including those that can often arise around employment, like those situations that often come up between a client and care provider:

1. Actively Listen.
   This can be the hardest part, but listening carefully to another’s point of view will help you see the scenario as objectively as possible, and will convey to the other person that you’re actively interested in reaching a positive resolution. Also, be mindful that sometimes we appear to be listening, but our minds can wander. Active listening is really hard. It means you could repeat back what you just heard if asked.  It is important for your listener to really see and believe that you care about what they are conveying.
2. Try to understand.
   We often feel more willing to listen to and understand someone if we feel they’ve first taken the time to understand where we’re coming from. Understanding is different from empathy—it means you're willing to hear someone out, and not simply getting lost in expressing your own feelings and experiences.
3. Think of a "win-win" solution.
   The best resolutions are those where each party is satisfied with the result. While this may feel difficult to achieve, at least thinking in this way can help guide your response to an emotionally charged situation.

Have additional tips or advice on handling emotions in the workplace? Share them with the Care.com community by posting a comment!