Last week, we started a three-part series for my blog and newsletter on handling difficult conversations with your caregivers, and managing your care relationships, as requested by you, our readers.

Check out Part II: Negotiating, below, featuring some great advice from Mark Crowley, our PR Director and resident expert on handling things diplomatically.

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Negotiating: Developing Long-Term Relationships
By Mark Crowley

Negotiation is an inevitable part of our daily lives. Whether it's deciding on a fair amount to pay the babysitter or vying for control of the TV remote with your kids, we all find ourselves in situations where we might not see eye to eye with someone else and therefore must negotiate for a cause (including the right to watch Grey's Anatomy). More times than not, it's easy to let emotions grab hold during the negotiation process, especially when you believe that things are not going your way.

Recently, I had the pleasure of attending a workshop led by Dr. Daniel Shapiro, the Founder and Director of the Harvard International Negotiation Initiative.  Dr. Shapiro has trained everyone from business executives to key negotiators in the United States, Middle East and China—so I figured if anyone could help me develop a strategy for getting some help with the dishes, this was the guy.

As Dr. Shapiro explained, emotions play an important role in negotiation, but often times our lack of understanding about the impact they can have makes for an inefficient negotiation process. You get home from a long day at the office and your nanny asks if she can have tomorrow off.  You immediately think, "No way...how inconsiderate to spring this on me at the last minute."  Already, emotions have crept into the equation here.  For many of us (author included), this seems like a reasonable reaction to this request (we're human after all).

Dr. Shapiro outlined two core concerns that not only help us to better understand the emotional element of negotiation, but also allow us to constructively use our emotions, as opposed to letting them get the best of us.  As Dr. Shapiro described, it is important in negotiation to turn away from the emotion itself and look at the following core concerns:

Appreciation.
As humans, it's natural that we like to feel appreciated. In negotiations though, it's easy to feel misunderstood, undervalued or unheard—essentially, unappreciated.  Just as a key indicator of a well-run organization is how appreciated the employees feel, a key factor in a successful negotiation process is how valued each participant feels.

When my parents used to tell me I couldn't go to a party that EVERYONE was going to—well, I felt pretty unappreciated.  Didn't they hear me say EVERYONE was going?  Sure, now I appreciate that my parents were looking out for my safety, but back then, not so much.  At least I don't remember telling them that in the midst of yelling and storming to my room.

In simple terms, emotions can shut down a negotiation before it even begins.  Maybe I could have gone to the party for a little while or perhaps my parents could have allowed me to have a friend over instead.  There's always the potential for middle ground, but both parties need to feel as though they have a voice for the discussion to have any hope of being productive.

Affiliation.
In simple terms, affiliation is the emotional connection between you and another. We all have "affiliates" in our own lives—parents, friends, caregivers, co-workers.  In negotiation, affiliation can have a powerful impact on the emotions that come into play.

Dr. Shapiro had us turn to our neighbor in the audience and spend two minutes trying to find things in common with them.  Tom, who I had been sitting silently next to for an hour, turned out to also be a Syracuse graduate working at an Internet start-up!  I was just about ready to invite Tom to lunch when Dr. Shapiro announced time was up.

The point of the exercise?  Dr. Shapiro asked if we would be more comfortable approaching a negotiation with the person next to us after the two minute conversation, compared to beforehand.  Of course we all said yes.  The simple lesson here, it's always more comfortable to deal with a colleague than an adversary. Take our earlier example of the nanny asking for a day off.  Our inherent reaction is to focus on the negative, but start by looking at your nanny as a "teammate" instead of an opponent.  The motivation behind her request probably isn't to make your life difficult.  Even if it's unrealistic to give your nanny the full day off, your willingness to work with her on figuring out a solution will be well received.

In the end, emotions are unavoidable when it comes to negotiation.  It's inevitable that a person is going to feel passionate about the issue or cause they are fighting for (did I mention, EVERYONE was going to the party?).  But how we manage and acknowledge our emotions is what's key to an effective negotiation process.

Have additional tips or advice on handling negotiations? Share them with the Care.com community by posting a comment!

After receiving feedback from our members asking about having difficult conversations with their caregivers and service providers, I really wanted to do a series for my newsletter and blog on the business of managing our care relationships. Starting this week, I've invited three of my Care.com team members to make "guest appearances" and give advice from their respective areas of expertise.

Below is a fantastic post written Josh Morton, Member Services Manager at Care.com, on handling strong emotions and resolving conflicts—even before they arise.

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Conflict Resolution: Handling powerful emotions
By Josh Morton

Last month, a few members of the Care.com team took Sheila up on an offer to join her at a workshop entitled "How to Handle Emotions in the Workplace."  The workshop, hosted by the Harvard Business School Women’s Association of Boston, was led by Sharon Grady, a consultant working with executives on best practices for conflict management. 

The question of the evening was, essentially, "How do we handle a colleague who is in the midst of a very emotional moment?"

Here are three great ideas the group generated, with Ms. Grady’s help, to more effectively and productively work with other people (and in many ways, oneself) in the middle of a powerful emotion:

1. Learn to recognize the "lizard brain."
   Lizards have very large amygdalas, the part of the brain that is largely responsible for gut-emotional reactions. Before you respond, you should start by recognizing a "lizard brain" response for what it is. (Ms. Grady explained that this "lizard brain" mode often peaks after 20 minutes—a good reason to take a "breather" first.)
2. Acknowledge your emotion, and leave it at that.
   Whether you agree or disagree with the other person's emotions, it’s crucial that you make it known that you are actively listening. However, we should be careful to not to fall into an emotional response ourselves, go one step further by either over-empathizing with or challenging the other party. Our goal here is not to express our own emotions, but effectively manage the situation.
3. Put the brakes on problem solving.
   Jumping into problem solving can be very tempting–especially when we really think we know the ideal solution, and honestly want to help. The reality, however, is that it’s likely falling on deaf ears while somebody is in “lizard brain” mode. Best to put problem solving on hold until their rational brain is back in action.

And from my experiences as both a customer service representative and a manager at various companies, I've had the opportunity to practice handling others' emotions on a daily basis—not just with colleagues, but also with customers who feel powerful emotions ranging from elation and joy to frustration and anger. 

Whether you're dealing with a colleague, a client, a customer, or an employee, here are three tips that work for me time and time again when handling powerful emotions – including those that can often arise around employment, like those situations that often come up between a client and care provider:

1. Actively Listen.
   This can be the hardest part, but listening carefully to another’s point of view will help you see the scenario as objectively as possible, and will convey to the other person that you’re actively interested in reaching a positive resolution. Also, be mindful that sometimes we appear to be listening, but our minds can wander. Active listening is really hard. It means you could repeat back what you just heard if asked.  It is important for your listener to really see and believe that you care about what they are conveying.
2. Try to understand.
   We often feel more willing to listen to and understand someone if we feel they’ve first taken the time to understand where we’re coming from. Understanding is different from empathy—it means you're willing to hear someone out, and not simply getting lost in expressing your own feelings and experiences.
3. Think of a "win-win" solution.
   The best resolutions are those where each party is satisfied with the result. While this may feel difficult to achieve, at least thinking in this way can help guide your response to an emotionally charged situation.

Have additional tips or advice on handling emotions in the workplace? Share them with the Care.com community by posting a comment!