Last week, we started a three-part series for my blog and newsletter on handling difficult conversations with your caregivers, and managing your care relationships, as requested by you, our readers.

Check out Part II: Negotiating, below, featuring some great advice from Mark Crowley, our PR Director and resident expert on handling things diplomatically.

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Negotiating: Developing Long-Term Relationships
By Mark Crowley

Negotiation is an inevitable part of our daily lives. Whether it's deciding on a fair amount to pay the babysitter or vying for control of the TV remote with your kids, we all find ourselves in situations where we might not see eye to eye with someone else and therefore must negotiate for a cause (including the right to watch Grey's Anatomy). More times than not, it's easy to let emotions grab hold during the negotiation process, especially when you believe that things are not going your way.

Recently, I had the pleasure of attending a workshop led by Dr. Daniel Shapiro, the Founder and Director of the Harvard International Negotiation Initiative.  Dr. Shapiro has trained everyone from business executives to key negotiators in the United States, Middle East and China—so I figured if anyone could help me develop a strategy for getting some help with the dishes, this was the guy.

As Dr. Shapiro explained, emotions play an important role in negotiation, but often times our lack of understanding about the impact they can have makes for an inefficient negotiation process. You get home from a long day at the office and your nanny asks if she can have tomorrow off.  You immediately think, "No way...how inconsiderate to spring this on me at the last minute."  Already, emotions have crept into the equation here.  For many of us (author included), this seems like a reasonable reaction to this request (we're human after all).

Dr. Shapiro outlined two core concerns that not only help us to better understand the emotional element of negotiation, but also allow us to constructively use our emotions, as opposed to letting them get the best of us.  As Dr. Shapiro described, it is important in negotiation to turn away from the emotion itself and look at the following core concerns:

Appreciation.
As humans, it's natural that we like to feel appreciated. In negotiations though, it's easy to feel misunderstood, undervalued or unheard—essentially, unappreciated.  Just as a key indicator of a well-run organization is how appreciated the employees feel, a key factor in a successful negotiation process is how valued each participant feels.

When my parents used to tell me I couldn't go to a party that EVERYONE was going to—well, I felt pretty unappreciated.  Didn't they hear me say EVERYONE was going?  Sure, now I appreciate that my parents were looking out for my safety, but back then, not so much.  At least I don't remember telling them that in the midst of yelling and storming to my room.

In simple terms, emotions can shut down a negotiation before it even begins.  Maybe I could have gone to the party for a little while or perhaps my parents could have allowed me to have a friend over instead.  There's always the potential for middle ground, but both parties need to feel as though they have a voice for the discussion to have any hope of being productive.

Affiliation.
In simple terms, affiliation is the emotional connection between you and another. We all have "affiliates" in our own lives—parents, friends, caregivers, co-workers.  In negotiation, affiliation can have a powerful impact on the emotions that come into play.

Dr. Shapiro had us turn to our neighbor in the audience and spend two minutes trying to find things in common with them.  Tom, who I had been sitting silently next to for an hour, turned out to also be a Syracuse graduate working at an Internet start-up!  I was just about ready to invite Tom to lunch when Dr. Shapiro announced time was up.

The point of the exercise?  Dr. Shapiro asked if we would be more comfortable approaching a negotiation with the person next to us after the two minute conversation, compared to beforehand.  Of course we all said yes.  The simple lesson here, it's always more comfortable to deal with a colleague than an adversary. Take our earlier example of the nanny asking for a day off.  Our inherent reaction is to focus on the negative, but start by looking at your nanny as a "teammate" instead of an opponent.  The motivation behind her request probably isn't to make your life difficult.  Even if it's unrealistic to give your nanny the full day off, your willingness to work with her on figuring out a solution will be well received.

In the end, emotions are unavoidable when it comes to negotiation.  It's inevitable that a person is going to feel passionate about the issue or cause they are fighting for (did I mention, EVERYONE was going to the party?).  But how we manage and acknowledge our emotions is what's key to an effective negotiation process.

Have additional tips or advice on handling negotiations? Share them with the Care.com community by posting a comment!

After receiving feedback from our members asking about having difficult conversations with their caregivers and service providers, I really wanted to do a series for my newsletter and blog on the business of managing our care relationships. Starting this week, I've invited three of my Care.com team members to make "guest appearances" and give advice from their respective areas of expertise.

Below is a fantastic post written Josh Morton, Member Services Manager at Care.com, on handling strong emotions and resolving conflicts—even before they arise.

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Conflict Resolution: Handling powerful emotions
By Josh Morton

Last month, a few members of the Care.com team took Sheila up on an offer to join her at a workshop entitled "How to Handle Emotions in the Workplace."  The workshop, hosted by the Harvard Business School Women’s Association of Boston, was led by Sharon Grady, a consultant working with executives on best practices for conflict management. 

The question of the evening was, essentially, "How do we handle a colleague who is in the midst of a very emotional moment?"

Here are three great ideas the group generated, with Ms. Grady’s help, to more effectively and productively work with other people (and in many ways, oneself) in the middle of a powerful emotion:

1. Learn to recognize the "lizard brain."
   Lizards have very large amygdalas, the part of the brain that is largely responsible for gut-emotional reactions. Before you respond, you should start by recognizing a "lizard brain" response for what it is. (Ms. Grady explained that this "lizard brain" mode often peaks after 20 minutes—a good reason to take a "breather" first.)
2. Acknowledge your emotion, and leave it at that.
   Whether you agree or disagree with the other person's emotions, it’s crucial that you make it known that you are actively listening. However, we should be careful to not to fall into an emotional response ourselves, go one step further by either over-empathizing with or challenging the other party. Our goal here is not to express our own emotions, but effectively manage the situation.
3. Put the brakes on problem solving.
   Jumping into problem solving can be very tempting–especially when we really think we know the ideal solution, and honestly want to help. The reality, however, is that it’s likely falling on deaf ears while somebody is in “lizard brain” mode. Best to put problem solving on hold until their rational brain is back in action.

And from my experiences as both a customer service representative and a manager at various companies, I've had the opportunity to practice handling others' emotions on a daily basis—not just with colleagues, but also with customers who feel powerful emotions ranging from elation and joy to frustration and anger. 

Whether you're dealing with a colleague, a client, a customer, or an employee, here are three tips that work for me time and time again when handling powerful emotions – including those that can often arise around employment, like those situations that often come up between a client and care provider:

1. Actively Listen.
   This can be the hardest part, but listening carefully to another’s point of view will help you see the scenario as objectively as possible, and will convey to the other person that you’re actively interested in reaching a positive resolution. Also, be mindful that sometimes we appear to be listening, but our minds can wander. Active listening is really hard. It means you could repeat back what you just heard if asked.  It is important for your listener to really see and believe that you care about what they are conveying.
2. Try to understand.
   We often feel more willing to listen to and understand someone if we feel they’ve first taken the time to understand where we’re coming from. Understanding is different from empathy—it means you're willing to hear someone out, and not simply getting lost in expressing your own feelings and experiences.
3. Think of a "win-win" solution.
   The best resolutions are those where each party is satisfied with the result. While this may feel difficult to achieve, at least thinking in this way can help guide your response to an emotionally charged situation.

Have additional tips or advice on handling emotions in the workplace? Share them with the Care.com community by posting a comment!

Ron used to say that we could find a way to get all the house cleaning done ourselves, but my definition of "clean" was different from his—call it a difference of perspective. In the past, we've had our nannies help out with some of the house cleaning, but it was always more important for us to have them focus their full attention on the kids and the dogs. So, we finally took the plunge and hired a housekeeper. It wasn't an easy decision, and the costs and benefits had to be weighed, but in the end, it has given us such peace of mind and so much more time as a family, and for that alone I think it's been worth it.

But hiring a housekeeper or cleaning service isn't for everyone. If you're weighing the decision, but need to draw up a pros and cons list, here are some things to think about:

• Nature versus Nurture
  Are you a natural "clean freak," or do you have to force yourself to clean because you know you should and you feel guilty about it? Real Simple magazine published a great chart last year, The Elements of Clean, which outlines all the basic house chores that need to be done and how often. If it seems overwhelming, or comes as a complete shock, you might consider calling in a professional (for whom it's second nature).

• Helping Hands
  How much help do you have from other members of your household? Is it always a struggle (or even a fight) to get your spouse or the kids to do their share of the chores? There are two things every couple argues or stresses out about: chores and money. Wouldn't it be nice to rid yourself of one of them? Hiring a housekeeper can be a literal relationship-saver for some people.

• Time
  How many hours a week do you spend cleaning? If the answer is more than 4 or 5, then you might consider calling in reinforcements. 5+ hours a week of cleaning becomes a part-time job. You would certainly spend time weighing whether or not a part-time job was taking you away from your family too much of the time. The same should be true if the chores become too intense! This great Time Value Calculator from MSN Money can help you quickly do the math to figure out how much your time is actually worth.

• Cleaning Products
  On average, how much do you spend each month on cleaning products? Add up all the paper towels, Windex, scrubs, sponges, etc. If the total is more than $50, then hiring a cleaning service or housekeeper might be more affordable than you think. Try looking for a housekeeper in your area who includes cleansers in their weekly or monthly rates and do the math.

These were just some of the contributing factors to my family's decision to hire Adriana, our housekeeper. If you decide to continue to go it alone, however, check out my favorite manuals from the housekeeping gurus:

Real Simple: Cleaning

Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook

How Clean is Your House?

And, if you've decided that hiring a housekeeper is the right decision for your family, be sure to check out these new articles from the Care.com Editorial Team to get started:

The Cost of Care: Housekeeping

Care Options: Housekeeping

Finding Care: Interviewing a Housekeeper

Have a story about or tips and advice on housekeeping? Share it with the Care.com community by posting a comment!

Cheers,
Sheila

If you haven't started already, now is the time to research and register your kids for either a privately- or publicly-run summer camp. February is the traditional registration month, but it's not too late to find great sport-specific or general sporting camps for your kids now. Wait past March, however, and you may be searching Care.com for a summer nanny!

Even if your child doesn't play organized sports during the year at school, sporting camps are a great way to get them outdoors and moving actively in the nice weather. (And, away from the video games, TV, and computer!)

Not sure where to start? Check these out:

American Camping Association
The best general website I've found for matching your child with the right camp is run by the American Camping Association. Their "Find a Camp" section features advanced search tools with all the possible selection criteria, and then returns only accredited programs. You can search by targeted focus (such as sports camps or visual & performing arts camps), specialty (such as weight loss), special needs (such as allergies or autism)—even by affiliation with trusted organizations, like the YMCA or Board of Education. You can even refine by location, cost, length of stay, single sex versus coed, day camp versus sleepover, and age of campers!

General Sporting Camps
Another great way to find general summer sports camps is by checking with your child's school, their existing coaches, local recreation departments, or with other parents in your neighborhood.

Camp All-Star, for instance, is a highly-recommended coed sleepover camp with "campuses" in Maine (at the Kent's Hill School in Augusta) and Tennessee (at the Baylor School in Chattanooga). Campers are encouraged to "major" in two sports: Maine offers ice hockey, basketball, soccer, baseball, and tennis; Tennessee offers basketball, baseball, soccer, swimming, diving, and tennis. Both campuses offer additional "minor" sports, as well, including track and field, lacrosse, flag football, and more.

Camps like All-Star are a great way for kids to experience the outdoors, make new friends, and learn from college role models while gaining independence away from their parents and siblings. But publicly-run day camps are also a fantastic option, and are usually lower-priced. Many times they allow kids to go to camp with their friends from school or their neighborhood, too, so they don't feel like they're "missing anything" back at home during summer break. Check with your local YMCA, Boys & Girls Club, or town / city hall for more information on general sporting camps in your area.

Sport-Specific Camps
For single-sport summer camps, such as football, figure skating, soccer, or basketball, for instance, there are three great ways to find the highest-quality instruction:

1. National sporting organizations. By contacting the national governing body for the sport your child is most interested in, like US Soccer or the United States Figure Skating Association (USFSA), you can usually find contact information for the most reputable camps and training programs--ones their stars may have even attended—and can sometimes get a list of all programs.

2. Professional sports teams. If you live in a major city with a pro sports team matching your child's sport of interest, contact their offices or check out their official website for a list of recommended camps. Many organizations host their own summer programs or camps, like the Sixers Camps run by the Philadelphia Sixers or The Matt Light Camp, run by the Matt Light Foundation and featuring players from the New England Patriots.

3. Universities and colleges. Many college athletic departments host their own summer sports camps, as a way for their college stars to get experience coaching and to utilize the vacant dormitories and facilities during summer break, which are usually a little lower in price than private general sporting camps. The University of Notre Dame, for instance, offers almost 20 different programs for girls and boys with both day camp and sleepover options, and Bentley College is renown for its basketball camps, featuring players from the Boston Celtics, as well as its volleyball program. Check with your local college, university, or board of education for offerings in your area.

Are sports and activities a little daunting for your child, or just not your family's cup of tea? Check out my previous blog posts from last summer on planning for summer child care or finding an academic summer camp.

Have tips and advice on finding the summer camp for your child or planning for kids' summer activities? Share it with the Care.com community by posting a comment!

Cheers,
Sheila

There's nothing like finding a reliable, compassionate babysitter or nanny to care for your children when you're away from home and the feelings of security it provides. But, what happens when you start to feel like your kids are more attached to their nanny than to you?

Here are my rules to remember:

There should be no guilt!
First of all, a parent's choice to go back to work and hire a full- or part-time caregiver for their kids is not a reflection of how much they love their children. It's just a necessity of life these days: statistics show that 46% of families have either both parents working full-time or, in single-parent households, the primary parent works full-time. Dual-income households have doubled over the past 20 years, and whether or not your decision to go back to work was a necessity or a personal choice, you should not feel guilty about having a career and a life away from your kids!

Parenting has phases of development.
Moms in particular have a hard time with the guilt and separation anxiety that results from leaving their kids with a caregiver and going back to work—especially first-time moms. But, just as your kids will go through phases of growth and development, you have phases of development as a parent to deal with, too. Learning to detach emotionally and discern between your kids' love for Mom and Dad and their love for their caregiver is just another phase and hurdle that all parents have to overcome.

Feeling hurt or sad is your issue to deal with.
It's normal, especially for new parents, to feel hurt when the kids no longer come running when you walk in the door. But recognize that how happy or sad you feel is your issue to deal with, not a reflection of how much your kids love you. Try not to get hurt or sad—or worse, mad at or jealous of the nanny—and remember that your kids will always love Mom best.

Attachment to their caregiver is a sure sign of a great babysitter or nanny!
Once you put the reality of the situation in perspective, you'll be able to cherish the fact that your kids are being so well cared for when you're not home. Encourage this relationship between your children and their caregiver and engage with the nanny as another member of the family—because in your kids' eyes, they now are.

Kids will become attached to their babysitters and nannies, and may even start to exhibit some of their caregiver's personality traits. These are also normal phases, and reinforce how important it is to find a caregiver that's the right fit for your family.

Your child has different types of love for different types of relationships.
Your kids will always love you more than their caregivers, but out of necessity, they do form a special kind of bond with them. Accept that these are two different types of love and two totally different relationships your kids are having with you and with nanny, even though they may now exhibit some behaviors around their caregivers they used to reserve only for Mom. It's perfectly normal.

Learning to detach and accept that your child has different types of love for different relationships now will help prepare you for handling their relationships with girlfriends and boyfriends down the line, too!

Have your own tips or advice on dealing with feelings of jealousy when it comes to your child's love for their caregiver? Share them with the Care.com community by leaving a comment!

Cheers,
Sheila