Whether we know it or not, we all rely on support systems to get through the trials and tribulations of life. But how do we define a support system, and how do we go about creating one? According to the Family & Consumer Science Center at Michigan State University's Extension School, we each have three different types of support in our lives:

1. Emotional
An Emotional Support System comprises the people in our lives who help us sort through our problems, vent, and really listen to us. These are the people who help you feel good about yourself and provide "tough love" when you need it—pointing out ways you could change to be happier and patting you on the back when you've accomplished something.

2. Instrumental
An Instrumental Support System comprises the friends, family members, neighbors, community members, and caregivers who provide concrete help in our day-to-day lives: babysitting, dog walking, training, watching our house, picking up our mail, etc.

3. Informational
An Informational Support System comprises the network of resources you turn to for advice, education, and answers—organizations, agencies, and media that help you make more informed decisions about parenting, caretaking, employment, medical help, and more.

By creating and relying on these three types of support, we allow ourselves to lead healthy, happy, and productive lives and can reach our personal and family goals on a daily basis. This new year, think about the roles that each of these support systems plays in your own life and how you can help fill the gaps to create a better, more balanced life for yourself and your loved ones—and maybe even stick to those resolutions!

Here are some easy ways to get started:

• Plan a master calendar—think through your needs for the entire year ahead.
  What is it that you, your partner, or your kids need and want to do this year? How are you going to get it all done without going crazy? Where does it overlap? By creating a master calendar and looking at the big picture, it's easier to see clusters and spot potential problem areas where you may need helping hands. Once you have identified the types of help you need, it's easier to use the three types of support systems to put solutions in place.

• Anticipate emergencies—have a Plan B and a Plan C.
  Next week, I'm going to be going into more detail about how to find and manage emergency care solutions. One easy way to get started is to do some house cleaning on your emergency contact list: is everyone on your list still available in an emergency? Is their contact information current? If there are names of people on there who you haven't reached out to in a while, give them a call and catch up, and find out how you can be there for each other in 2008 (or find a replacement).

• Begin lining up providers before you need them.
  Once you've assessed your master calendar and your emergency contacts, fill holes by taking inventory of your caregivers: Is there a babysitter, relative, or neighbor you could call in a pinch? If not, use a service like Care.com to interview and select a few people you can rely on in an emergency for child care, pet care, elder care, and other needs.

• Reach out to friends, family members, and neighbors for respite help.
  We all drag our feet when it comes to asking family and friends for favors. But when it comes down to it, who do we trust more with our loved ones, valuables, and personal lives? Your friends and family members and community are the fabric of your daily life, and it's OK to reach out to them and ask them to help you out—on a regular basis, as an emergency contact, or as an occasional respite care provider when you're on the brink of sanity and just need a little breather. See my previous blog post on family members as caregivers for more advice.

• Create coops, ride shares, and care swaps.
  As a supplement to your network of caregivers, create swaps and joint events with other parents from school, dog owners from the park, or families and organizations in your neighborhood. This is a fabulously budget-friendly way to combine your needs with those of your fellow community members and grow all of your three support networks—not to mention, a great way to make new friends!

Have some tips to share on creating, growing, or maintaining a support system? Share them with the entire Care.com community by posting a comment!

Cheers,
Sheila

Over the course of the past year at Care.com, and at the BlogHer conference I attended in July, I've had the fortune of meeting some of the most amazing "mom-trepreneurs." These women and their partners are making parenting issues and advice (and charities important to women and families) very Web2.0 through their blogs and web-based businesses. The media has sometimes trivialized this wave of "mommy blogs", but, to me especially, it makes perfect, logical sense that smart, web-savvy women would want to create online spaces where parents can share the advice normally given to family, friends, and coworkers with the rest of the world through the technological tools now available.

In the spirit of sharing, here are some of my favorite advice and product review mommy blogs:

Mamanista
Online since: 2007
Founders: Debbie and Candace

The Skinny:
Mamanista is a great product-review-driven blog for fashion-forward moms who don't have a lot of time to shop around for baby products, gear, and toys. Mamanista's writers review the latest products in their daily blog, and the founders work with retailers to provide regular, exclusive promotions like "deals of the day" and contests. Candace, one of the two founders, says, "[Our] tagline is 'fabulously chic, irresistibly practical' because we bring mothers the latest on the hippest products for baby and the best deals. Debbie and I both believe that you shouldn't have to spend a fortune to be fabulous." Guide-style posts Care.com parents might find useful include "Best Baby Board Books" (great for stocking up for bedtime and the sitter) and "Tips for Traveling with Babies and Kids" (just in time for the holidays!)

Connecting Moms
Online since: May 2006
Founders: Shell Luba, Anthony Samadani, Tanya Alvarez

The Skinny:
Connecting Moms is a blog-slash-social network aimed at helping moms share learned experience for every stage of motherhood, from expectant moms to those "who've been there, done that!" Connecting Moms recently launched the Million Moms Picture Page, a charity event hoping to connect a million moms worldwide around efforts to raise five million dollars for women- and family-related causes. According to founder and former AOL techie Shell Luba, supporters include May May Ali (daughter of boxer Muhammed Ali), TV personality Leeza Gibbons, and model-slash-tsunami survivor Petra Nemcova. If you still haven't found that perfect gift, consider submitting a photo of your friend or loved one with your donation (minimum of $5) to this wonderful fundraiser. Charities include The March of Dimes, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, The Smile Train, Autism Speaks, and many more. When the Million Moms Picture Page $5M goal is reached, their globe logo will be covered by donor-submitted photos!

Working Moms Against Guilt (WMAG)
Online since: November 2006
Founders: Susan, Cara, Sara, and Tela

The Skinny:
The name says it all. This "coalition" of working mothers includes former co-workers and collaborators Susan, Cara, Sara, and Tela who formed WMAG to help other moms "stay strong and fight back against all that guilt" that society puts on us women (and we put on ourselves).

"The four of us were all fairly young/new moms with children ranging from newborn to age 4," said Susan Jackson, one of the four founders. "We all worked together in a high-stress, long-hours agency business, and we were all writers. After constantly trading tips, stories, and emails about all things relating to working motherhood (including plenty of guilt), we decided to open our conversation up to other working moms like us."

Although Cara and Sara have since left the agency where the group of writers first met, the WMAG's still keep in touch through the blog and regular get-togethers. In just one year, the group has attracted thousands of readers, commenters, and new friends through Working Moms Against Guilt.

Classy Mommy
Online since: 2003
Founder: Colleen Padilla

The Skinny:
Classy Mommy is a great product-review blog founded by Colleen Padilla. Colleen regularly creates Video Reviews, traditional blog posts, and maintains a fabulous Product Finder--making it quick and simple to find what you need online, and make a difference while doing it. Colleen's mission with Classy Mommy is to help parents redirect some of their consumer spending towards important charities with Classy Mommy Causes.

"When readers shop through our partners, Classy Mommy donates 100% of the affiliate marketing revenue we earn to charity," Colleen said. "Our shopping can make a difference—even when we feel we don't have the money to make a donation."

Colleen and her husband just welcomed their second child, a son, two weeks ago! Follow their story (and trials and tribulations with new products for baby) at www.classymommy.com.

Crazy Hip Blog Mamas
Online since: 2003
Founders: "The Turtle Mama" and CJ Field

The Skinny:
Crazy Hip Blog Mamas is not only a blog but an online destination for hundreds of mom bloggers to aggregate their thoughts on various topics. CHBM hosts weekly "events": themes for each of the seven days of the week dictate the topics of posts submitted by blogger members. CHBM topics include Recipe Rally, Member of the Week, Kids Corner or Teenage Tips, Photos, member-written articles, and more. The site is pretty straightforward to navigate, and with over 1,000 members submitting content, there's lots of advice and helpful tips to choose from!

Cheers,

Sheila

Family members are an obvious choice when you're in a pinch for care: they love your kids or pets and like to spend time with them, or they share the responsibility of caring for your parents and grandparents with you. And, they can be wonderful sources of respite care for the overworked! But there are drawbacks to having a family member provide care, and beware that confrontations and other easily-avoidable situations may arise because of your comfort level with one another. Use these guidelines—similar to those you would use when hiring a stranger—to prevent unnecessary drama.

• Expectations. When hiring a nanny or a babysitter, I typically advise people to type up their key expectations and go over them with any caregiver beforehand. You should go ahead and do that with family members, too, just as if you were hiring an outside caregiver (even though—and sometimes more importantly because—they're your relatives). I would then sit down and walk them through the list and tell them that this is what you go over with any nanny, etc. Setting clear expectations upfront helps to clear up (and stem off) any confusion.

• Core values. Emphasize the key things that are important to you. For example: Education. Your child's education is really critical to you, and is the main reason you don't want them watching TV or playing video games during the week. Or Responsibility. Teaching your kids responsibility is something that you are working on at home, which is why you expect them to pick up their toys. Although these things may seem like small things, they are crucial components to keeping things consistent for your kids. Tell your relatives that, although they may be inclined to use a different method, you would appreciate their help by adhering to your rules. Explaining your overall goals will help your relative(s) understand why you are asking them to do certain things.

• Communication. Talk often! Sit down on a regular basis and discuss how things are going. Don't just meet or talk when things are going wrong. If you talk regularly, then it won't feel like you planned a special sit-down conversation that makes things a bigger deal than they are. Whether your relative is helping you out once a year when you ask, or needs to know how overburdened you are with shared responsibilities so they can offer to help, communication is crucial—especially between family members.

• "Don't sweat the small stuff." There may be small things that irritate you, such as leaving dishes in the sink or not picking up the toys after the kids. Your nanny used to do it, but now that your sister is helping out, the house is a mess when you get home. If these things aren't the most important things to you, then let it go. Remind yourself that the quality of care—that your child is loved, well-fed, entertained, and educated—and maintaining a healthy relationship with your relative should trump any trivial or mundane annoyance you may feel.

• Payment. No one likes discussing the topic of money with a family member. If your relative is comfortable getting paid, then I would offer them an hourly wage at market rate. Find market rates in your area by searching Care.com by your ZIP code and looking at different provider profiles. You can also share this information with your relative to let them know that you came up with the rate based on objective sources. That way it removes anything personal from the conversation.

• Boundaries. Respect your family member's personal time. It's very easy to get too comfortable in the situation and take them for granted: you know that your mom or sister will always forgive you when you arrive 10 minutes late and other "harmless" offenses. But, if you expect your relatives to adhere to your wishes and your rules when caring for your child, pet, or other loved one, then you should do the same by respecting that they may have other engagements, appointments, etc. Keep your word and you'll keep their respect.

• Tough conversations. Sometimes it's better to let time lapse before having an emotional conversation (especially in front of your kids). Sometimes you may have had a bad day and thus are overreacting to a situation, taking it out on your mom or sister. You may want to let it go and wait a day or two. See if it still bothers you after you've cooled off a bit, and then you'll be able to have a more rational, productive sit-down with your family member. Even though it's your mom or sister, think about approaching the conversation as you would a friend: with a respectful tone and approach and with active listening. Seek first to understand than to be understood.

Have a great tip for navigating the waters of having family members serve as caregivers? Share it with the entire Care.com community by posting a comment!

Cheers,

Sheila

I just received a question from a reader about suggestions for gifts for day care providers, but this advice can also apply to other caregivers, as well:

• Electronic Gift Cards
  If you can afford to give them an e-gift card from Amazon or Barnes & Noble, I've done that in the past for day care providers when my boys were younger and find it's always appreciated. I would suggest a $15 value so that it can cover a nice book plus the shipping.

• Magazine Subscriptions
  There are also gift certificates available at Magazines.com. for around $20 for an annual subscription to various magazines. One year, a friend gave me a food magazine subscription that I really enjoyed. Each month when I received it in the mail, all year long, it reminded me of her thoughtfulness.

• Picture Frames
  If you're looking to spend a little less (around $10), you can always check out a discount retail store like TJ Maxx or Marshalls and pick up some nice picture frames. Leave the picture frames blank--care providers, as much as they love people and pets, really don't want prints of yours, but everyone can always use a nice, new picture frame to fill with their own special memories.

Also, if you are looking for that unique gift for your friend, co-worker or loved one, our team here at Care.com came up with "The Gift of Care", which allows you to give someone access to sanity-saving solutions for child care, elder care, pet care, and tutoring--and for just $10!

Cheers,

Sheila

Since those who care for our loved ones have an important role in our lives, we should tip them well to show our appreciation, reward them, and give them an incentive to continue providing the excellent care we want for our children, parents, and pets.

When do we tip?

When two things are provided to me:

• Personalized service. A waiter taking my specific request from a menu, a cab driver taking me to my chosen location, my hair dresser who cuts my hair that addresses my personalized needs, a clown who came over and entertained all the kids at your child’s birthday party, and etc.
• Great service. Service providers spend time to listen to my needs and are focused on me as a customer. It is my way of saying thank you and also giving someone the incentive to deliver great service next time I'm in need of their help and attention.

Who should I tip?

So many people help us throughout the year. Here are some of the caregivers you might want to tip during the holidays: Nanny, babysitter, au pair, day care staff, coaches, tutors, music and dance instructors, dog walkers and groomers, home-care attendants, housekeepers.

• In general, the more professionally credentialed (certification, license, degree in a specialty) someone is, the less they wanted to be treated as a service professional that gets a tip. I'd err on the side of giving a gift during the Holidays or a special occasion rather than a regular "tip" for their services.


• For a sitter that comes over regularly, you may consider tipping them for a job truly well done, but it isn't the norm for them to expect to get a regular "tip" every time they babysit for you.


• If you have a periodic sitter, such as a teenage babysitter or dog walker, you may want to consider tipping them for each job since they only come over occasionally. They will also feel valued and, with the competitive hiring out there today, it is worth being generous to keep quality care for your loved ones.

How much should I tip care givers and how much should I spend on a gift?

• Restaurants and wait staff: It is common in our culture now to tip for personalized service at about 15% of the typical fees you are charged—even 20% for exceptional service. We do this for restaurant wait staff, cab drivers, etc. I'd apply the same % rule for caregivers.


• Hosting a party at a venue: If you are paying a venue to host a party, but there are service providers assisting you, you should tip them 15% of an estimated $10-$12/hour (depending on years of experience of your service providers) and the number of hours they worked. For example, if you have a child's birthday party at a gym and you bring along two babysitters to help you manage the party, do tip those sitters. Check with the venue when you schedule the party—the charge for rental of the venue may include a gratuity for their staff.


• Workplace gift exchanges and showers: For a gift, most companies that plan gift exchanges over the holidays suggest $20 or $25 gifts for your secret co-worker whose name you pulled out of a hat. For a girlfriend's baby shower, a $25 to $50 gift is typically a nice budget for a cute present. For a gift for our caregivers, I like to give something in between the range of $25-$30 since they take special care of my kids and pets and I want them to feel that I took the time to choose something special for them. Also, sometimes a very inexpensive but personal gift, such as a picture frame with my child's photo on it, goes a long way.


• Recommended tips for care givers:
• Nannies and Au Pairs: If they work for you full time, give a tip that reflects 10%-15% of one weeks pay. For example, if you have a full time Nanny or Au Pair that you pay $800 per week, a 15% holiday tip would be $120.
• Regular babysitter: Depending upon how long your sitter has been with you and how experienced she is, tips range from one or two night's pay or the equivalent of a week of service.
• Coaches, tutors, and instructors: A small gift from your child is perfect, such as a photo of your child playing their musical instrument (for your child’s music instructor).
• Dog walkers and groomers: One to two week’s pay for a dog walker and about half a session’s worth for your regular groomer.
• Home-care attendants: One week's pay is recommended but give two weeks for extra special care or long-term service.

I hope this helps. And again, being generous to the people who provide personalized service for your loved ones means so much when it comes to developing long-term relationships with your care givers.

Cheers,
Sheila