I visit my parents often, and I can tell you I’m so very grateful that they’re still with us. The trip from my house to their respective care communities is a drive I make with joy in my heart.  The visits allow me to spend quality time conversing with my mother, and connecting with my father. Depending on the day, Dad may or may not be aware that he’s joking and speaking with his daughter.  But that doesn’t matter.  The important thing is that we enjoy one another while I’m there.

I confess that I didn’t always have such a great attitude about these visits.  I live in Boston, which is 90-miles away from my parents.  Years ago, when my increasingly ill father and my increasingly frail mother were still rambling around in the house I grew up in, the frequent trips across the state left me drained. I had a demanding full-time job and my three now-grown children still needed my attention.  Plus, I never knew exactly what I would find when I arrived at either end of the journey.  Like many caregivers, I was physically and mentally exhausted.

Of course, even then some might say I had it good. The average long-distance caregiver lives 450 miles from their loved ones. They burn up the phone lines—and when they’re lucky, emails—arranging transportation, provisions, finances and meals for parents or grandparents who may not realize they need help. Recently, I spoke to a man who lives a few states away from his mother. He had power of attorney and thought he could keep tabs on things. Well, first he noticed that more and more money was being withdrawn from his mother’s bank account each month. Then, there seemed to be a very high rate of turnover among the caregivers she hired. Finally, his mother seemed increasingly vague when he asked specific questions. The man cleared his work schedule and drove to his mother’s home.  There he found the place cluttered, the refrigerator filled with containers of take-out food, and dirty laundry everywhere. His mother wore clean clothes, only because she purchased new items instead of washing—or hiring someone to wash—her soiled clothes.  The son was understandably upset.

My team at Care.com encouraged him to get a dementia evaluation for his mom, based on some of the behaviors he reported. We also helped him determine his mother’s immediate needs and hire pre-screened home caregivers. He talked to his mother about her preferences and about his concerns for her safety. Together they came up with a plan that allowed his mom to stay in her home a bit longer, and that allowed him to sleep at night.  I expect that his next trip home to visit Mom will be more joyful than the last.

If you’re a long-distance caregiver, I’d love to hear from you. How do you manage? What gives you the greatest sense of comfort? What do you most fear? How often do you make the long trip to visit your loved one? And if you’re still trying to get a handle on everything—and don’t know where to turn—please call one of Care.com’s senior care advisors at 855-490-8654. We’re here to help.

We just keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

I hear that phrase every day when speaking with men and women about their caregiving duties.  They shoulder the mental, physical and emotional demands of caring for an elderly parent or grandparent because they want to, because they feel obligated to, because there is no one else to do it. When I ask about their own health and well-being, usually they give me a sigh. A really big sigh. In my experience, that sigh is a warning sign for caregiver burnout. 

These days, the phrase “caregiver burnout” gets thrown around a lot. But from my vantage here at Care.com, I can tell you it’s a real concern.  Unfortunately, too many caregivers try to soldier on, putting one foot in front of the other, until the strain gets to be too much. At that point, they have to deal with the personal fallout, which can be a mental or physical breakdown. Signs of caregiver burnout include irritability, sleep and mood changes, loss of concentration, feeling out of control and increased isolation.

 One of our clients confessed that she had stopped answering the phone, dreaded looking at the mail and was spending less time visiting her mother, a continuing care retirement community resident in the early stages of dementia.   The client had been taking care of all her mother’s medical and financial affairs, and providing emotional support to her mom for what seemed like a long, long time. And at every turn there seemed to be some new challenge or to-do item.

Fortunately, we were able to connect her with an eldercare attorney and a financial planner who could streamline her mother’s finances. I also coached her to initiate a family meeting with the retirement community staff.  With their help, she was able to learn what services were available to her mother and develop a plan for future care that could be implemented as her mother became less able to care for herself. Simplifying things and examining her options allowed our client to feel less overwhelmed, and to enjoy spending more time with her mother.

I’d love to hear from active caregivers on this subject. Have you experienced signs of burnout or are you worried about someone who has? Where have you turned for help, and what have you done to maintain your own sense of well-being?  Please share.

And if you’re experiencing caregiver burnout, please know that you’re not alone.  Go ahead and sigh.  Then call one of Care.com’s senior care advisors at 855-490-8654. We’re here to help.

My mother, an octogenarian, is the best example I know of an active, fulfilled senior citizen. She still works as a therapist, seeing clients at her home office. She visits my father at his memory-care facility every day. She loves music. And she enjoys keeping up with the issues of the day, with friends, with family.

She also is a satisfied resident of a retirement community.

I know I’ve shared details of Mom’s transition from our family home to her new life as a resident of a senior care community.  It wasn’t a quick move, and we began discussing the idea with Mom years before she made the decision to relocate. But here’s something I haven’t mentioned: My mother’s successful move owes a lot to the research and pre-planning we did before selecting a community.  With Mom’s active participation, we picked the right place for her.

Not all facilities are created equal, but even a good, well-run community may not be right for your loved one.  At Care.com, I’ve had many, many conversations with seniors and their adult children. Those families who happily make the transition to a nursing home or retirement community have a few things in common.  First, they involve their parent or grandparent in the decision to move and in the selection of a community. Second, they look for a community that meets all their loved one’s needs and provide something extra. Maybe the community has a strong creative arts program, maybe there’s an active group of tournament bridge players, and maybe the public areas include a well-priced salon or a hall with a rotating schedule of concerts. The point is, the “something extra” can make the difference between residents who are well-cared for and residents who are happy. Finally, make sure the community you pick has room for mementos, favorite furnishings and a beloved pet.

I’d love to hear from families who have a senior member living happily in a nursing home or retirement community. What extras made the transition appealing? What services or amenities made the facility seem like home? Send me a message to share.

And if you’re in the midst of selecting a community and need advice, you can always call one of Care.com’s senior care advisors at 855-490-8654.

Every day I speak to caregivers, each struggling to do the right thing for an elderly parent or grandparent.  Their individual stories are unique, and yet, common themes emerge.  What do I do now? How do I ask this? Where do I find that? Their confusion, often mixed with fear, guilt or plain exhaustion, is heartbreaking.

Fortunately, the Senior Care staff at Care.com is experienced at answering those questions. But still, we wanted to know the scope of the challenge. So Care.com launched a survey of 170 men and women between the ages of 45 and 65. What we learned speaks to the growing need for caregiving resources and caregiver tools.

The key findings include:

• Nearly 50% of respondents know their aging parents’ preferences for care, but don't know the details on how to proceed
• Close to 45% of respondents are clued into their aging parents’ behavioral/physical changes and are deeply concerned about their wellbeing
• Almost half of respondents are tasked with housekeeping, transportation and financial management duties for their aging parents
• Nearly a third of respondents carry the full load of caregiving responsibilities for their aging parents

I look at those numbers and clearly see a large—and as America ages, growing—population that needs help.  My experience tells me how desperately most adult children want to do the right thing by their elderly loved ones. They want them to be safe, and they want them to be happy.  And they fear that to accomplish one, they must partly sacrifice the other.

I’m happy to say balance can be achieved in most cases, if families are willing to reach out for help.  And, if they’re willing to start planning early. Too often, families wait until a crisis happens—a medical incident, an accident in the house, a public meltdown—to consider their options.  Care.com offers both advice and resources for anyone willing to reach out. Asking for help is the first step.