What would you do if your child swore? Punish? Ignore? Film it for Facebook?
A recent Modern Family episode had 2-year old "Lily" say the F-word and controversy ensued. It's hard to see a toddler swear, let alone laugh at it. And a couple of years ago we laughed (and squirmed) when Will Ferrell gets cursed out by a toddler in The Landlord, one of the leading viral videos of the year.
We see it all the time. Friends post and share their "hilarious" videos of their kids repeating 4-letter words, not knowing what they mean, but seeing they get lots of attention when they say it. And often -- we laugh.
But when it happens in our own home, we need to react, without the giggles. We asked some experts how to nip swearing in the bud. Some of these ideas work for you too, parents:
1. Don't overreact. No matter what age your child is, address it immediately and calmly. Kids age 6 and under tend to think in black-and-white terms.
2. Be honest. When you reprimand your child, he or she might retort, "But I heard you/Daddy say it." Resist the urge to deny or justify your own swearing. Instead, admit that you also struggle to control what you say.
3. Find new words. Sit down with your child and brainstorm new, non-offensive words or phrases to say when she feels frustrated, upset, or angry. More often than not, children say these words when name-calling.
4. Beware of TV and movies. Think Johnny's coloring -- and too young to understand what's on the small screen? Think again. Swear words often get laughs and kids' ears perk up just in time to catch them.
Get more ideas on how to stop kids from cursing >>
And tell me, what do you think about bleep-words being aired during prime time? Was it inappropriate for Modern Family to air that episode? And what's your reaction when you hear kids say those darndest things?
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By Month:
January 23, 2012
January 16, 2012
Is It Time For A New Nanny?
The New Year brings a lot of changes – and evaluations. I like to clean out my closets. If I haven't worn something in over a year, I donate it. It's also the time our company does performance reviews to talk about strengths and challenges we want to work on in the next year.
I've also found that a lot of our members like to evaluate their care plan this time of year.
An employee here recently left work a little early on a nice day and popped in on her nanny and son at the playground. Her nanny was calmly sitting on the park bench. But her 3-year old son was playing "baseball" (no bats or balls, just running bases in some game he'd concocted like creative, wild 3-year olds can be!) with another nanny and 3-year old in the field. Everyone was fine, but Mom had a realization – her calm, pleasant, nurturing nanny couldn't match the energy level of her bouncing, sprinting, leaping 3-year old boy.
It was time for a new nanny.
If you were to do it over again, would you hire the same nanny for your child? What qualities have you found are most important in care providers?
Sometimes these changes can be made with a discussion, like with performance reviews. You could ask your nanny to sit down and discuss the year ahead. This is a great time to update your nanny contract as well. Or, you might feel you need a whole new personality who is a better fit for your evolving family. (One tip: If you decide it's time for a change, make sure you give your current nanny proper notice. We suggest 2 weeks.)
Tell us – what do you love most about your nanny – or what would you change?
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January 09, 2012
If Our Kids Made Our Resolutions
This year I vow to… lose weight, work out more and pay off my debt. Sound familiar? These are typical resolutions we all make for ourselves. But what if our kids made our resolutions for us? What would they say?
We recently asked our Care.com employees to ask their kids to make New Year's resolutions for them for 2012 – or to guess what they might be. As you can see, none of these resolutions have to do with weight-loss, keeping our sock drawer organized, or drinking less coffee. Here they are for your enjoyment.
Mike, father of a 1 year old, in Marketing:
"Stop going to work, stay here and play with me."
"Let me have more chocolate."
"Pick me up and hold me the instant I request it, no matter what you're doing."
"Everything we purchase should involve Elmo."
Danielle, mother of two, in Product Management:
I think my 5 year old would say don't use my phone as much. My 3 year old says he doesn't want me to vacuum anymore. He doesn't like hearing loud noises. Although he has no concept of an indoor voice!!!
Jennifer, mother of a 3 year old, in Creative:
My daughter would love to be allowed to have chocolate milk on demand – no questions asked. Also, She would love it if I would agree to let her wear a pink or purple "princess skirt" (i.e. tutu) 24/7.
Michael, father of two, in Finance:
Our 3 year old Amy said that we should be able to have ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner and not just dinner. I think our family keeps the ice cream industry afloat.
Donna, mother of two, who oversees our Military programs:
My 9 year old son would say:
- You will make me potato latkes every morning for breakfast
- You will never make me wear a coat
- You will come and work at my school
- You will be home for dinner every day
- You will not go out on dates with dad
My 2 and ½ year old daughter would say:
- You will always let me sleep in your bed
- We will always have mini-popsicles in the house
- You will put me to bed every night
- You will never make me take a bath
What resolutions do you think your kids would make for YOU? Share them with us!
Related Articles: Read on for the hilarious and true changes our favorite mom bloggers kids would make in their lives:
Care.com Interview Series: The New Year's Resolution My Kids Would Make For Me
January 02, 2012
8 New Year’s Resolutions for the Family Caregiver
More so than any other time of the year, parents (and often moms) put organizing holiday activities, juggling big meals, and generally keeping the family peace above their own needs. Once the frenzy of the holidays are over, it is easy to slip back into the regular routine – and yet somehow the that trip to the salon, going to the gym, or a night out with friends stays on the back burner. Since I know that many of our members have a tendency to neglect their own care throughout the year, I wanted to share eight New Year’s resolutions, specially tailored for the family caregiver:
1. Take care of yourself. This could mean anything from a shower (if you've been sporting a ponytail for the past week for a reason) to a manicure, yoga classes, or spa-esque luxuries. Basically, if leaving home means throwing on the sweatpants, kick things up a notch with a blow-dry or jeans and feel confident in how you look – even if you're just picking the kids up from school.
2. Keep calm. Just because the kids are screaming on the floor of the grocery store doesn't mean your voice should carry all the way to the produce aisle. Instead, keep your blood pressure low by practicing new parenting techniques. Check out Hal Runkel's Scream Free Parenting for ideas.
3. Initiate date night – for the whole family. While you'll need a sitter for date nights with your significant other, have your spouse be the caregiver while you spend on-on-one time with each of the kids at a baseball game or movie night.
4. Make a fitness goal. Instead of just pledging to go to the gym this year, set a measurable goal – run a 5K, attend eight aerobics classes in a month, or set an achieveable goal weight with a trainer.
5. Do not covet thy neighbor's nanny. Does a neighbor have the perfect sitter? Instead of contemplating the sin of nanny poaching, find your own family's perfect match. Craft a job post, and list all your dream qualities in a babysitter.
6. Get involved with your child's education. Even if you don't have the time for PTA, find other ways to support your kids' learning, including helping with homework and supporting the classroom. Check out The Parent Connection for ideas.
7. Create lasting memories with your own parents. Take a moment to talk with your parents about their legacy and your family’s history. Check out VP of Care Management Jody Gastfriend's suggestions for memorializing their legacy.
8. Girls Night Out. Or girls night in – but either way, spend some quality time with friends – even if it means all you talk about are your kids. Over knitting, over martinis, or whatever helps you to relax.
I know it can be a daunting feat for family caregivers to make time for themselves. Taking care of loved ones, even with the help of professional caregivers, can easily leave no time for reading or even sleeping. It is crucial to try and make time – write it into the schedule, have the sitter stay a little later, or ask a partner for help. If possible, the result will be a happier and healthier family caregiver for the New Year – something the entire family will celebrate.
Related Articles
Care.com Interview Series: The New Year's Resolution My Kids Would Make For Me
December 26, 2011
Our Most Popular Blog Topics of 2011
Tired from the holidays? Wind down with a look at our most talked about blog posts from this year. You've had a lot to say in 2011 and we thank you for your constant support, questions and comments!
- Kids on Leashes: Parenting at the End of a Rope
- The Madness of Spanking?
- What to do When Kids Get BAD Gifts
- Are Play Dates Keeping Your Child Out of Harvard?
- Spider-man is for Girls, Tinkerbell is for Boys
From all of us at Care.com, have a safe and wonderful new year!
December 19, 2011
Steps for Blizzard-Proof Child Care
Many of us New Englanders would like to forget the record breaking snowfall last year, but with tomorrow being the first day of winter, the question on everyone's mind is, "Will it be another brutal winter?" Followed by, "Will I have enough vacation days to cover the snow days?" For kids it's just the opposite: "How many snow days will we get this year?!"
Most kids get excited for snow days, eagerly waiting to see the cancellation announcements and cheering when they come in. But it can leave many parents scrambling to find a last minute sitter so they can still go to work.
To help make sure your family's needs are covered through flurries, blizzards and the next snowpacalypse, we've compiled a list of steps you can take now to make snow days less stressful when they arrive.
Line-up care providers before the storm.
To blizzard-proof your child care, create a go to list of "favorite" backup caregivers before a single flake hits the ground. Take time now and interview top local babysitters who are interested in taking on occasional jobs – so local that they can walk to your house, despite snow drifts and unplowed roads. Create a plan with them to make sure they'd be willing to come on short notice.
Our Care-on-Call service gives you an additional way to communicate your needs. If all your backup sitters are unavailable, you can use Care-on-Call to quickly broadcast your needs to a list of local caregivers who are available and willing to provide backup care on short notice. Simply fill out a Care-on-Call request and Care.com will text messages and emails to local caregivers who have indicated a willingness to help on short notice.
Gather a back-up care community group.
Care Groups are a great way to help form friendships – for parents and kids! They can also help you arrange backup care. You can create an online care group for free and invite parents from your neighborhood and school system to join.
With a care group, you can send messages to specific group member's inboxes or broadcast announcements such as, "Should school be delayed or cancelled tomorrow, would anyone be willing to split child care needs? I can watch your kids from 2-6p.m. if you watch mine from 9-1p.m."
Formalize a back-up care co-op.
More structured than the care groups, care co-ops provide a tracking system for swapping care with other parents. Instead of using money, parents exchange points. Last-minute snow-day care may mean forking over more points than an average date night, but if it means getting to work to meet a deadline, it's probably worth it.
Track the storm
Stay in touch with the forces of nature as soon as you hear a storm may be impending. Watch for school closings and keep on top of the television and radio reports. If forecasters are predicting snow into the night and next morning, then snow plows might not be able to catch up. Also, if you hear a lot of hype, schools may even close the night before.
Okay, you've been studying the weather, and you can feel it in your bones. A storm will arrive before the wee hours of the morning. It's time to initiate your care plan make the first contact with your list of back-up care providers or the other parents in your group or co-op.
With everyone poised and ready to take on the coming storm, you should be as close as possible to blizzard-proofing care for your family, no matter how frightful the weather.
Related Articles
Safe Snow Driving for You and Your Nanny
December 12, 2011
Tips on Tipping Your Caregiver
Last week, I posted Care.com’s 2011 Top 5 Gifts for Caregivers and promised that I'd decode the gift of money this week. We tip waiters with every restaurant meal, but when it comes to our caregivers, we may be a little out of practice when calculating the right monetary "thank you." A spa gift certificate, homemade cupcakes, a tip or a bonus? The truth is that, when you find someone who truly cares for your family, the holidays are a great opportunity to show your gratitude – and ensure that your caregiver happily stays with you throughout the new year. To help determine the right holiday gift, check out the guide below for part two of our holiday celebration for caregivers:
Nannies
Provide full-time nannies and au pairs with a holiday bonus – the equivalent of one week's salary.
While this is the standard, if finances are tight this year, consider giving your nanny an extra week to a few days of paid vacation spread out during the following year. Add a homemade gift. Don't forget that generally, nannies do not get paid vacations on the major winter holidays, including Thanksgiving, the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Years. If you ask them to help out on any of these days, be sure to pay time and a half.
Babysitters
For babysitters who care for your children on a regular basis, provide a tip – about one or two night's pay. If you want to thank an occasional sitter who helps out on date nights or provides back-up care, send a card with a gift certificate (see last week's post for specific ideas) of about $25.00-$50.00. Again, nice homemade goodies, made with help from the kids, are also a great "thank you."
Special Needs Caregivers
Special needs caregivers can play a crucial role in the lives of our children and loved ones. Like nannies, if your special needs caregiver is full-time, provide the one week salary holiday bonus. If he or she visits only occasionally, stick with the one-or-two-visit tipping rule. However, if your caregiver goes the extra mile in caring for your loved one, make sure that your gesture reflects his or her dedication.
Tutors
A tip equivalent to one tutoring session is appropriate for tutors who have really made an impact on your child's learning, and I also like to involve my guys in the gift-giving by having them make a thank you card or small gift.
Senior Caregivers
If your full-time senior caregiver is employed independently by you and your family, operate under the one-week-salary bonus rule or two weeks for caregivers that have been with your family for multiple years. If he or she is employed through an agency or works at your senior's facility, be sure to check with the management regarding policies on tipping. If you know that the caregiver has really gone out of their way to make your aging parent or loved one as happy and well-cared for as possible, give a little extra – check out The Gift of Relaxation section from last week.
Pet Sitters and Dog Walkers
An occasional pet sitter could get a gift card or an equivalent to an extra day's pay. For a dog walker that comes by when you're at work and on a daily basis, provide the typical week's salary as a holiday tip. And if you make regular visits to the groomer, give them a little tip or gift as well.
Housekeepers
In general, housekeepers should receive anywhere from 50 percent to 100 percent of their usual weekly fee. Accompany your holiday tip with a nice card or holiday goodies. If you occasionally hire a house cleaner to come in before a house party or a visit from relatives, a tip is nice, but not necessary.
Ultimately, bonuses are greater amounts for full-time caregivers, and tips are a percentage or extra full day’s pay for part-time or occasional caregivers. Whether you choose to give presents, extra paid vacation time, bonuses, or tips this holiday season, ensure that your gift matches your own feelings of gratitude towards the caregivers of your loved ones.
Check out these articles for additional holiday reading:
Ho Ho Ho… How Much? Holiday Tipping Tips from Ettiquette Experts
Holiday Tipping: A Holiday Bonus Guide for Your Caregivers
Holiday Recipes Your Kids Will Actually Eat
December 05, 2011
Care.com's 2011 Top 5 Gifts for Caregivers
Every year around the holidays, the Care Team and I notice that families are struggling to find the right gifts for their caregivers. I know from experience – finding that ideal present can be surprisingly difficult. Our caregivers occupy a very special and unique place in our lives. It can be hard to believe that from a simple online profile, they become so much more: our sanity-keepers, peacemakers, stress-relievers, lifesavers, and trusted allies. We call them when there's an emergency. We call them when we need a break. And, every day, we trust them with the most important things in the world: our children, parents, pets, and homes. So how do you say that super-special thank you?
Idea #1: The Gift of Relaxation
You know that your caregiver could likely use some relaxation time – because you know exactly the kinds of messes they've been cleaning, the kids they've been running after, and the dogs they've been walking. Spa gift certificates, including pedicures, manicures, massages, and even time at the hair salon, are all great gifts. Stop by your local spa or salon to ask about a gift card or purchase online. A great fit for babysitters, nannies, housekeepers, pet sitters, and senior caregivers.
Idea #2: The Gift of Good Cheer
Help your caregiver eat, drink, and be merry with special treats that they wouldn't buy for themselves. I'm partial to gift baskets with a mix of healthy and decadent options, like pears with chocolates. To go even healthier, check out local options, such as farm shares and co-ops for potential veggie deliveries to your caregiver's doorstep during the growing months. For the decadent route, find near-by specialty stores and support your local community with wine or cheese basket gifts for your caregiver.
Idea #3: The Gift of Tech
Giving that perfect tech-toy can be a great fit for more than just the younger generation of college caregivers. I know our housekeeper is always plugged into her iPod and favorite playlist. IPod nanos are currently about $129.00, and iPod shuffles are even less: $49.00. If your babysitter is already rocking out with an iPod, consider an iTunes gift card. Another great gift this year is Amazon's Kindle at $79.00. (And just a nerdy techie sidenote: after Black Friday, their latest Kindle Fire tablet, priced at $199.00, is rivaling Apple's $499.00 iPad).
Idea #4: The Gift of Heart
Since caregivers can play such uniquely intimate roles in our lives, consider making a homemade gift if you are looking for a more personal way to say "Thank you." Get the kids involved. Visit the local craft store for fun ideas like homemade soap or candle-making kits. Take a great picture of your nanny playing with your kids, and have your little ones help you put together a festive magnetic frame for the fridge or even a beautiful ornament for your caregiver's tree or home. Snap a picture of your dog in a Santa hat - this is also a great idea for pet sitters and dog walkers.
Idea #5: The Gift for the Whole Family
Finally, think about giving a gift that your caregiver's entire family will enjoy. If you want to go the food route, don't forget to take any food allergies into consideration. For example, if anyone in your caregiver's family has a gluten allergy, find gluten-free baked goodies, and create a unique food allergy-friendly basket. Buy a subscription to a print or e-magazine, like Living Without for food allergy families or fun kid magazines, like National Geographic Kids. If you have any pics of your caregiver with his or her family, add them to digital picture frame for a great family gift.
As you review these options and try to decide on how much you should spend in time and money, think about your caregiver's relationship with your family. I generally recommend going bigger for nannies, housekeepers, pet caretakers and senior caregivers that have become honorary members of the family. Consider smaller gifts for occasional babysitters, pet sitters, and dog walkers. And of course cash is always welcome, but do you know how much to give? Tune in next week to our article on tipping.
Check out these articles for additional reading:
Holiday Tipping
Holiday Bonus Guide
Outsource Your Holiday Stress
November 28, 2011
Home for the Holidays with Aging Parents: Asking the Tough Questions
"Are my parents capable of taking care of themselves? Do they... need help?"
For adult children, these questions can trigger intense feelings of sadness and confusion – feelings I faced for the first time about 10 years ago, when my father suddenly needed quadruple by-pass surgery. While hazily trying to function within a cloud of stress and worry, I realized for the first time that my parents are not invincible. And at some point – either now or in the future – caregiving roles will shift. I may eventually be the one responsible for their care and well-being. While I truly believe it is an honor to be able to give back to my parents, it is not an easy mental transition to make.
As we celebrate the holiday season, we often spend more time with family and relatives than our usual schedules allow. Looking around the festive dinner table, many adult children suddenly recognize their loved one is growing more vulnerable with age and subtle signs lead to big questions. Spoiled food in the fridge. Lapses in short or long term memory. Hot burners left on.
"Is Dad showing signs of Alzheimer's?"
"Do I need to take the car keys away from Mom?
"Are these warning signs that my parent needs help?"
Since I know that many families will face these questions over the coming weeks, I wanted to share some tips from our senior care expert and licensed clinical social worker, Jody Gastfriend. Jody's own moment of sad recognition occurred 15 years ago, when her father simply wandered away from a holiday gathering and was eventually diagnosed with dementia. Inspired by her parents' strength and personal family caregiving experience, Jody offers the following tips from 25 years of working within the senior care field:
Tip #1: Communicate concerns with empathy and respect
It is important to balance your concerns with an appreciation of your parent's need for autonomy and control. Parents may feel overwhelmed from fears of losing independence and react negatively to concerns expressed by their children. Jody recommends starting the conversation by exploring your parent's perceptions and needs to gain a better understanding of what is most important to them, before introducing suggestions for long term care.
Tip #2: Join forces.
If possible, speak with your siblings before the visit with your parents. Have they noticed any changes, particularly those that reflect a shift in your parent's baseline level of functioning? Together, formulate a plan to move forward. When you do talk to your parents, Jody says it is important to communicate as a united front. Stay focused on your parent's wellbeing and avoid getting stirred up by unresolved family conflicts.
Tip #3: Do the research.
Now that you've formed a team, ask everyone to do a little investigating. What local resources are available? Find out the costs and types of care that may be the right fit for your parent.
Tip #4: Consult a professional.
After you've armed yourself with the knowledge of the local options, talk to an expert. A medical diagnosis is important. And, if you are afraid that a parent is showing signs of Alzheimer's, get him or her evaluated for Alzheimer's Disease or dementia. Likewise, if you are unsure whether your parent qualifies for Medicaid, talk to a elder law attorney in the same state as your parent. A geriatric care manager, such as a nurse or social worker, can help with many aspects of the caregiving process.
Tip #5: Have a constructive, patient conversation.
Hold a family meeting or speak with your parent one-on-one, whichever is more feasible for your family. Open and ongoing communication is necessary to meet the changing needs of your loved ones as they age. Unless your parents are deemed mentally incompetent or a danger to others, it is their right to make their own decisions-even bad ones. The best approach is to practice understanding and compassion in getting your message across. Even humor can be effective at times.
Being proactive and communicating collaboratively with parents and siblings to create a plan will likely yield the best results in the long run.
Check out these articles for additional reading:
How to Talk to a Parent about Driving
Sibling Strife: How to Resolve the 3 Senior Care Issues Siblings Fight About Most
What You Don't Know about Elder Law Can Hurt You
If you are caring for an aging parent, when did you first realize that he or she needed care? How did you talk to your parent about your concerns? If you are currently worried that your parent may need care, check out our senior care counseling service to talk with licensed social workers about your family's specific needs.
November 21, 2011
Finding Good Cheer: Divorce During the Holidays
I know that the holidays can weigh heavily on families reeling from recent divorce or separation, and yet, they can also serve as an opportunity for new beginnings – and new family traditions. I recently spoke with some good friends who, after traumatic separations from their spouses, were suddenly faced with all the good tidings of the winter holidays. Feeling far from jolly, each of my friends recalled struggling to redefine what family was going to mean for the future within the deadlines of an advent calendar. And yet, they were determined to give their kids lasting memories of happiness despite the transitions in their lives. As you work towards your own new definition of family, here's some advice to consider:
Call a truce – mission possible?
Maybe one of you has moved out. Maybe you're only communicating through lawyers at this point. Whatever your situation, the first step towards planning the holidays is to ask yourself: Are you capable of spending any time together? Would it be possible for you both to lay down arms and present a united front for your kids? With absolutely no fighting of any kind, not even a single snide comment? If both of you are absolutely 100 percent sure that not a single sign of negativity will creep into your time together, make it happen. If there is even a remote chance that one of you could break down in front of your kids, it will likely be best that you continue your separation over the holidays. Decide what is right for your family, and be sure to consult a counselor if you are struggling with the decision. For one of my friends, she was able to make this happen. For the others, it was out of the question.
Create new traditions.
Especially if you and your former spouse cannot be in the same room together, it may be time to start some new holiday traditions. Get them excited about specific events, such as baking holiday treats, visiting a tree farm, or attending local light festivals. Combine any old traditions that make sense and that the kids love. Help them concentrate on the current fun activities and not on the differences in the family. They take their cues from you, so try to have a great time, no matter what else is going on. This is an excellent opportunity to redefine what family means for you and for your kids. And to have a ton of fun in the process.
Call on your family, friends, and caregiver.
But, there will be times when you can't have a great time. There will be times when you'll need to take a break. And that's okay. As the holidays get started, check in with your family, your friends, and your kids' caregiver. Let them know that you are going to need some time for yourself every once in a while, and ask them if they can take over for a while. Take some time for your own sanity. As much as you want to make the season about your children, taking care of your own needs will help ensure that they are still building happy holiday memories.
Have you ever had to juggle a divorce with the holidays? How did you get through it? What new holiday traditions did you start with your kids? Did you try to get along with your former spouse or was that just not possible? If you are struggling with divorce this season, what is the hardest part?
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